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A Lifetime Of War.




I was born into this, it’s all I know, I know how to fight and I know how to be a warrior and all I have ever tried to do to is protect those that I have loved, I know that I have failed, but I have tried. I am still trying, the best thing I ever did was lay down my swords and guns and stop fighting, it’s hard being the fighter and the warrior seeking peace, it’s not in my nature, I’m angry and hateful and violent, I do my best work when I’m driven by the anger and hurt inside, but somewhere along the line I recognized all it did was lead to my own ruin, it’s better to dwell on the peaceful moments in my life, not the battles, not the fights... a silent moment at a Buddhist temple almost forgotten, but it wasn’t.... memories of good freinds and even better adventures, seeing my sons eyes for the first time, my last coffee with dad, those are things that are important to me now, not fighting the endless war, what the fuck is that ever going to prove? 


I’m done. I know that I will answer for all my sins in the end, but maybe in my last years on this planet I can do some good and if not just have some fun... but I will never fight agian... it’s not worth it. I fought my battles long and hard and to my destruction.


It’s time for this warrior to rest.


This is not the life or the world I wanted to have my son grow up in, but that’s not on me even tho I have internalized that for a long time, the more that comes out the more I realize that my actions and more someone else’s mental health had always more to do with the hell that their lives are... I am just what she always wanted me to be, an outside  observer. Useless to her unless in small doses or when she is ready...


I’m still fucking waiting for her to be ready.


21 years later, the war has been dead for five years. One of us lost and One of us is holding on to faint hope that I will always be there to rescue her when she needs me and only when she needs me.


I needed you to stay that day, we needed to make better decisions and instead instead we made our lives worse, yes there was a reconciliation, yes it gave us the most glorious thing in both of our lives, but we have endured a lifetime of war, his lifetime, he’s never known peace between us in living memory, and me I’m a fucking ghost to him, someone he does not know. A stranger. That’s you’re doing. And it was you’re doing long before he was born. You’re choices, it’s always been you’re choices and my one mistake in 2001.... was letting you go....


I should have fought more instead of letting you fade... our love story predates 9/11 and that’s the fucking  tragedy of it, our life ended before the world did. That’s why we go around and around the way we do now... because that was the last true moment where we were brutally honest to each other. 


...and you fucking know it.


You constantly fucking hurt me and you constantly come back and for what absolutely fucking nothing... because the reality is if you truly wanted me in you’re fucking life you would have me in you’re life and not just in low orbit... but I’m sick of the waiting game.


I may not want to fight anymore, but I don’t know if I want you in my life anymore either.

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