Skip to main content

A Lifetime Of War.




I was born into this, it’s all I know, I know how to fight and I know how to be a warrior and all I have ever tried to do to is protect those that I have loved, I know that I have failed, but I have tried. I am still trying, the best thing I ever did was lay down my swords and guns and stop fighting, it’s hard being the fighter and the warrior seeking peace, it’s not in my nature, I’m angry and hateful and violent, I do my best work when I’m driven by the anger and hurt inside, but somewhere along the line I recognized all it did was lead to my own ruin, it’s better to dwell on the peaceful moments in my life, not the battles, not the fights... a silent moment at a Buddhist temple almost forgotten, but it wasn’t.... memories of good freinds and even better adventures, seeing my sons eyes for the first time, my last coffee with dad, those are things that are important to me now, not fighting the endless war, what the fuck is that ever going to prove? 


I’m done. I know that I will answer for all my sins in the end, but maybe in my last years on this planet I can do some good and if not just have some fun... but I will never fight agian... it’s not worth it. I fought my battles long and hard and to my destruction.


It’s time for this warrior to rest.


This is not the life or the world I wanted to have my son grow up in, but that’s not on me even tho I have internalized that for a long time, the more that comes out the more I realize that my actions and more someone else’s mental health had always more to do with the hell that their lives are... I am just what she always wanted me to be, an outside  observer. Useless to her unless in small doses or when she is ready...


I’m still fucking waiting for her to be ready.


21 years later, the war has been dead for five years. One of us lost and One of us is holding on to faint hope that I will always be there to rescue her when she needs me and only when she needs me.


I needed you to stay that day, we needed to make better decisions and instead instead we made our lives worse, yes there was a reconciliation, yes it gave us the most glorious thing in both of our lives, but we have endured a lifetime of war, his lifetime, he’s never known peace between us in living memory, and me I’m a fucking ghost to him, someone he does not know. A stranger. That’s you’re doing. And it was you’re doing long before he was born. You’re choices, it’s always been you’re choices and my one mistake in 2001.... was letting you go....


I should have fought more instead of letting you fade... our love story predates 9/11 and that’s the fucking  tragedy of it, our life ended before the world did. That’s why we go around and around the way we do now... because that was the last true moment where we were brutally honest to each other. 


...and you fucking know it.


You constantly fucking hurt me and you constantly come back and for what absolutely fucking nothing... because the reality is if you truly wanted me in you’re fucking life you would have me in you’re life and not just in low orbit... but I’m sick of the waiting game.


I may not want to fight anymore, but I don’t know if I want you in my life anymore either.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more