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Crazy, Mad, Insane.




It’s loyalty, not blindly following you into oblivion. There is a difference and you would do well to Remeber that. You constantly betray me and turn my life into a living hell and I forgive you because I made a promise to myself. As long as that sliver  of hope remains I pretend that I can put up with you’re bullshit, but there is gonna come a day when maybe I won’t.


I’m sick of you destroying my relationships with my friends and loved ones and what do I get? The odd fucking phone call and you open the window a little bit? Fuck that, I’m gonna live my life at full speed and do whatever the fuck I want, live fast die hard, leave a good looking corpse. I’ve already passed my life expectancies so from this point out I’m gonna burn out instead of fucking fading away.


That’s the one thing you are afraid of the two of us, that one day I won’t love you without expectations. That day will never come, but I have something you want, something I refuse to fucking ever offer you at this point and you fucking know exactly why. It may be a promise but you’ve gotta fucking earn it. I don’t care if I have to sit on it a decade, I’ve already waited two decades and had you make the ruins of my life.... me I just dance in the fucking flames and engage phoenix-fire mode, I never expected to get this far yet have some sort of a family waiting... except you aren’t. I’m a forgotten choice that you think you can come in and out of my life because I’m you’re anchor to something that was once beautiful. Wrong. One day I’ll move the fuck on and you’ll be forgotten again. It took forever to forgive you. 


...and it still wasn’t enough.


I’ve earned my place in your life, you haven’t earned your place in mine and it’s yet to be seen if you ever will. Just because there is loyalty doesn’t mean it’s fucking blind. It’s not.


I watch and judge everyone of you’re actions. It’s all a chess move and you’re decisions will always affect mine.


I can look myself in the mirror every day and be at peace with my decisions. The fact is I know that you can’t. And worse I know that one day I’ll be able to look him in the eye and tell him everything gives me hope that one day that things may change between us, but you’re place in my life isn’t needed. It’s wanted. You would do well to remember that. I’m not disposable and I’m not just waiting. 


In fact if you haven’t noticed, my plans happen without you. I don’t need a woman to define me the way you need a man to define you... I’m fine on my own. I only want you, the only thing you have ever caused  me to be defined as is a father, and that is a battle I will never abandon. I wish I could say the same about being your husband.... but that probably is a curse because while I know you will never call anyone else that, you refuse to acknowledge the little that is left of us before it withers and dies...


Except when you want it.


You wanna know the secret of pain? If you just stop feeling it, you can start using it.

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