I am stuck in the moment that you left me, when you and I and him were a happy little family, I woke up one morning and you smashed all that away, and you expected me to live with it. And now after a lifetime of regret you want that back but only on your terms… that’s fine. I’ll wait for you as always. You’ll invite me home one day, I have no use or need to kick that door open until you’re ready. I know where I stand with you in this life. It’s you that needs to decide where we stand. I’ll always be here, waiting.
Midnight Phone calls till the end of my life… you’ll always be my albatross, the one that got away. The one that won’t let go. You know where I stand, you know who I am. The only question left is when and where are you ever going to be ready? And the morning after will I still be there or will you have pushed me away agian.
There are reasons I’m always going to be here, and why I am in the drivers seat in whatever relationship we ever have agian.
Even if I don’t like you which is often, I’ll always love and honour you, and respect you. I went out of my way to protect your reputation when mine was destroyed multiple times. The fact that you associate with scum that are only around you for who they are when they are with you… or what they can get from you…
Meanwhile, I stand alone, and I need nothing from you except your love, I’m not a plastic person defined by who I’m with, I’m an artist, a poet, a writer, formerly a counsellor, an actor, a musician. These are things I’ve always done on my own, I don’t need who I’m with to define me… I never have. I don’t need to be with someone to be me.
We are just better and more beautiful together. And my arms do keep you safe, I know you’re afraid of that long term, but I’m afraid of a another year and then we hate each other another decade till we play the game again. I don’t want that not anymore. I’ve had that with others. I’ve had that with you. Our biggest problem is long term. And that’s what needs to fix.
It’s always going to be on your terms but trust me I have a seat at that table. It’ll be my decision when and/if it’s asked. And I haven’t asked yet for a fuckin reason.
I may love you, and I trust you yet, but some conversation has indicted good damn reasons that I don’t completely trust you yet. I will always be here to catch you when you fall, and you are loved. But you’ve made some questionable choices over the years and affected our all lives, there is forgiveness but conversations we should have had years ago, we are having now. That’s on you, I haven’t forgotten a damn thing. And I won’t.
That’s how I’m able to stand my ground with you, I know where I fucking stand. And I have always had the high ground and never had to compromise or sink to destroying you or those around you… I’m not a child. Some of these other men that have been around you shouldn’t be throwing stones, they live in glass houses too.
The only thing I am now is no longer a target. Our stories ended as far as that is concerned. If there are further chapters that’s your choice, not mine. I just know I’ll always be here. Like it or not. But that’s just who I am, and I love deeply… even when I shouldn’t.
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