The Man Who Sold The World

You made me fall in love with you all over again and I hate you for it. I hope that there is an eventual outcome, but right now there are times where I feel it was just another dirty trick. That’s not fair.

I think the worst part is you gave Me hope again for something I’d considered long dead. I don’t feel that way anymore and I know that you don’t either. We are just complicated. As usual. Nothing is simple with you. I just wish I could trust you again the way I could in the fall. That meant a lot and then you broke it, maybe it will come back one day, maybe it won’t. Either way I’m fine with that part. It’s the rest of it I don’t Like. The fact that my heart hurts for you in a way it hasn’t in a very long time, and this time it won’t go away. Not that it ever did, it was just easier to ignore the pain when we we’re angry.

I’ll be honest, I am getting sick of you reaching out when you feel vulnerable for security. Just because I’m always going to be there doesn’t mean I always have to like that fact. ESPECIALLY when you know I’m going to get emotionally invested with little to no payoff to those emotions every fucking time. I deserve better. You know I do.

I don’t doubt that you know I am still in love with you. I think what you constantly doubt is if you are in love with me or if it’s just some fantasy of the best days of both our lives. It’s too bad that with you it’s everything or nothing and because there will always be someone that both of us love unconditionally between us, you need to make that decision. I understand that part. I just wish you didn’t pretend because I know emotions remain, I just don’t know how deeply you truly care or if I’m just a happy memory you like to revisit when you’re in pain.

I’m not going to beg to be a part of you’re life, I’m not built that way. But I will always fight to be in your life... I think that’s what you want me to do to. You and I have a bond it’s just complicated.... and the world and expectations got in the way.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

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