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Rats

I’m comfortable with my demons. I’ve made peace with them. The darker side of the beast will always be there and is a Defense mechanism. But I can control when he comes out. But I am fucking done pretending to be something I’m not. I know I’m poison. I know I’m a monster. I know how angry and bitter I am. There’s point in pretending I’m not all of those things... and why it has nothing to do with who I am as an adult, but it will always be a part of me... and it does explain why so many of my relationships are damaged and flawed. But that’s who I am. I won’t change. At least now the one who mattered most a long time ago realizes that. I’m the devil and a demon... but I made peace with that a long time ago. It’s time you do the same, especially with you’re claims of loving me. Embrace the darkness or fuck right off. I can’t, and I won’t be someone else. I’m a rock star and I’m already five years past life expectancies. I’m gonna live large until I burn up because I’m never going to fucking fade away. The self destruction continues because it’s all I got. I’ll live fast because it’s too late to leave a good looking corpse. Make no mistake. I am angry with you. You let me down. But I have bigger skeletons to worry about rattling around in my head than to ever sweat you. I’m not happy in my life right now but you are the very least of my responsibilities when once you would have ranked at the top. But some things have to be dealt with as well. Life throws a curve ball you deal with it. I have to take care of my friend for the moment. I don’t have a choice. But what I don’t need right now is to be playing this never ending chess game with you. 20 years since we were fucking done. Maybe it should have stayed that way. Maybe I’d still love you this hard, maybe not. But maybe we’d both be happier and not tethered to each other by something neither of us has ever fucking denied, as much as we have tried. I’m not comfortable with this taking care of another person shit. The only two I’ve ever wanted to do that for or been any good at taking care is you and our son and I fucking failed at that even. Being responsible for someone else is one of the most trying experiences of my life and it would be fucking nice if you had my back just to talk to and vent... but that doesn’t suit you’re purposes and neither do I because I’m not making you the priority right now. Trust me I understand. I get it. I’m disposable. I always have been. Jesus Christ Jennifer do you really think that cycle in my life started with you? This whole thing I’ve been attempting this year has an end date in mind and it’s fastly reaching its expiry date. It’s already past due twenty years. I should have just found a way to get the ring then and everything would have changed. I’m a fool to think that twenty years on anything has changed. Or that this detente between us will ever change. At least we have peace and understanding between us, but on days you disappoint I kinda wish we were still at war and you still gave me reasons to hate you. Falling back in love with you is the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life. It will destroy me. But you know I stand by all of my bad decisions, especially when they come to you. One more piece of the puzzle is complete and it’s fitting that I got it today. But this is my last fucking attempt. I will walk away.

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