I remember phone calls at Ferraris sobbing trying to fix this before I made the decision to take this to the next level and serve papers. To start a war that never truly ended, I simply made peace because there wasn’t an end. Neither of us have the pride level to admit we were wrong and admit defeat. I won’t let you fucking win, and you’d never give me that privilege either. Even now the attacks have ended, but the mind games on both sides continue. If you ever wonder why I always go radio silent, I remember when you took everything that was important in my life away in one flawed decision.
…and now you have to live with yourself.
Is your life any better without me in it, or is it worse? We both know the answer to that fucking question and you know it’s not. But you’ve made it a place where we can’t and won’t go back to. I’m sick of fighting a war that ended when I no longer wanted to affect your life or his. He’s a man now the battle is over. The only fires that remain are the ones in your heart when no one else will have you. I’d rather suffer with nothing than ever crawl on my knees than to ever beg for your touch again. I don’t need you in my life.
I made a choice that day and that night to begin a war instead of being patient and wait for you to decide the next step. That’s our issue. I’ve never folded and given you control. Now we are back to the moment that fateful day on that street corner, we both live separate lives without a need for the other. I have other responsibilities to drown me now.
You made a choice, I just had to live with it. It was a long war, and it effected both of our lives and our mental healths. Are we any better for it, or is our world something that it never should have been? That’s on you. I’ve lived, it has not been perfect but it is has been a life.
I walk away to be a free man, something that you’d never let me be. I had to fight you, I am the constant in your life. No more constant. I know that we had plans this year, but I am reconsidering them because you give me no reason to reverse course. Not that you ever expected me to give you a choice back then.
I’d have given you everything anything and I was trying and instead all we ended up is battle scarred warriors with fractured lives… including his.
Whose standing tall upon this hill at the end? Either of us? Anyone? Or has the toll of of our lives and our battles destroyed us both?
Are we truly better for fighting? Did it accomplish anything? Or did we lose everything? Including ourselves?
This is not the life I wanted for the two of us. Or the life we created. He deserved better than what we gave him. He deserves better than how you treat our relationship now.
I’m not a back up plan, or a parachute. I’ll walk away like I never even existed again. That was supposed to be the plan five years ago anyways. But you involved yourself in my life, not the other way around. I never needed or wanted you to come back, and maybe this wall I am building around my heart is the only way to deal with you now.
Sometimes being angry is the only answer. I don’t know if I did the right thing. But I do know that never backing down and/or giving you any fucking quarter was always the correct decision.
I may have forgiven you, but don’t ever think you have the right to think that I have forgotten everything that you put us thru. That’s not fair. That’s our history and our war. It’s part of all of this.
I’m not sad that every thing ended the way it did between us. Sometimes that’s just life. I just wish it could have been something more.
I’ve led an interesting life. Could it have been better if you were beside me? Sure. But you weren’t.
I didn’t make the decision to serve those papers lightly. You left me no choice. That’s where we stood then, and silence is where we stand now.
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