Skip to main content

My Plague.

I don't Know the next step. and im not sure where I'm going with all the bravado promises that i always had planned now that the time for them to happen is ticking down. id like to follow thru but another former freind has put me in a place where I'm holding the bag agian. and unlike some regardless of when i give my word, i follow thru. The problem is that i have given my word to things that are important and things that were inportant. i need to make choices and define who i am and who i was in those moments. 


the other issue is that the one i would like at my side for any of these events and decisions hasnt made her mind up and im not sure or comfortable with makijg my big play if there is just going to be mindgames. this shit affects my kid because I'm only going to ever ask once so I need to find the right moment even if I am refused. just so i can say I did it. i feel boxed into a corner and i dont know the next step. But i do not question being angry and a hardass until trust and respect is reearned. thats where i have to be.


the only respect you get without question is for being his mother, youll always have that. but as far as being a partner, a lover, my girlfreind, my wife, those things are an illusion, thats a fairytale, there is no trust, there is no respect between us, just an emptiness that no one thats ever been in my life has been able to fill. and while there is emotions and somedays maybe even love, there is also logic.


I am in  happy place in my life and finacally secure and not transient. That was always part of the problem. we couldnt settle down and i didn't fucking want to yet. Later when I could have wanted to, youre actions made it so that i never settled down. I dance and dream in the illusion and fairytale of what could have been too. the diffrence is i live in the reality. i have always shouldered that for you. 


i just live my life. if things change cool. if things do not im good with however they go. one day questions may be asked. one day questions may be answered. But thats not a facet of our relationship anymore. period. thats his decision. my only role in your life is to choose to listen when i want to. you dont always make it easy to make that decision. 


I may have loved you, but that was a long time ago. I may still love you, somewhere down below at my core. But i will never give you the benefit of that victory first. It's still chess between a pair of mental midgets because neither of us wants to let ourselves cave into emotions because that means the other would win. and the battle would be over.


Except the battle ended years ago, whatever this is now is by your choice. i don't contact you first and I'm not going out of my way to be there for you. I'm njst here. silently waiting. Sometimes. 


I'm good all alone, its going to take a fuckton of trust and respect to change that. even if i wanted it changed for my own selfish reasons before that. thats not who I am, at you're core its not who you are either. both of us are too stubborn to let the other win a dead and cold war.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more