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Savior?


Part of me having peace in my life is you having peace in yours. I'm not happy right now that it seems like this is something you no longer have. When it seems like the only thing in this life that can give you peace is me, maybe it's time to explore that possibility.

Always being there for you is a curse. I know why I do it and why that phone call will never be unanswered no matter the time of fucking day. Going to sleep angry because I feel helpless and not sleeping and then waking up still angry isn't helping you, him or I at all. We need to make some changes. It might be time for me to be proactive on some of them rather than waiting for something to happen.

There is a reason I will never allow you to save me. The first being that I don't need saving. My destiny is my own and you're help gives you more control than I'm willing to concede to you. The second is I'm the knight in tainted armor that should be saving you. This is how I was raised. The hero saves the girl. Too bad I'm the villian and I'm the least worst option. But maybe you need someone else to blame, and someone else to save you. You need to stop trying to save others. They don't  appreciate you and your efforts and you fall constantly into the same emotional traps. The same ones I rejected when we were together and the same ones I reject now. This is a huge reason why we aren't together. I don't want to deal with people in your life unless it means being a wall between them and you. I've always recognized how fucking toxic they are and your need to help has been ingrained into you with family.

You know what the only lessons my upbringing gave me? How to destroy. Especially relationships. It's why we don't have one just as much as your savior complex and all the other reasons that hurt like hell. But I'm still here with my hand out trying to lift you from the abyss I should have fucking let consume me years ago for it's own reasons. But here I am in a world I never thought I'd be in, with a 25 years of this  relationship and a child. I've always known I'm the only one that loved you unconditionally and without judgement other than her. And your safest in my arms because everyone else has an agenda? Me, I love you and I want my little family back but I'm mister don't give a fuck. I'm good with my life even if their are parts missing.

It's hard to be completely whole when it's something you've never known. I just wish I hadn't passed it down to him and watched it being taken away from you. I should have tried fucking harder to stay. I'm trying now.

I want you safe. It's why I'm in orbit. It's why I've never stopped trying. I know exactly where I stand with those I love and that includes you. And more than that I know where I stand with those that claim to love but don't. I'm always going to have your back even If I'm not beside you.

I don't know the next step but I do know that i will always be here. And I will never disrespect you or treat you like others do.

What the fuck happened  to us when my darkest side is the light at the end of your tunnel.. and I am still the fucking freight train headed your way... but it's not you I'm gonna run right thru.. not anymore. I need to deal with some of the real issues or at least be a stubborn wall between you and them.

You'll just be along for the ride so I can protect you both.

I'm not fucking saving anyone anymore. That time is done. I'm just trying to protect that which has always been mine and the child that we created together before he's corrupted by the same toxic elements.




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