What I've Always Wanted.

You think I want to escape from this? There is no escape from this!

At the end of the day i know exactly where I stand, and i will always be here. But the moment is slowly ticking away to where it will be anything more than old emotions and affection. I know my net worth and who the fuck I am, there will be a change when the clock ticks fifty. I will always be there and care cuz of responsibilities. You will always be my family, the only one I will ever have. Thats a fact.

But I cannot sit there and play these games constantly over the sands of time and all these years. You know what the fuck I want, all I have ever wanted, but if can't have it I will move on. Endgame as always. Everything or nothing. The rules are well defined. Nothing has ever changed. Its understood.

The differnce is this time ive decided that there is a line in the sand and a fucking moment that everything will fucking end. Find yourself right with your illusions and jealousy or lose that part of me forever. I would never betray you for who and what you think I did. And even if I did I haven't spent the last half decade trying to fix what's wrong with us just to have you throw it away in moments.

You are what I've always wanted, you know that. But i will fucking bail forever if you force me too. I have before. I will agian.

This time there will be no looking Back. Choose wisely.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

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