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Something That I'm Not.



You're life is not mine. I have my own. We may share precious blood but you pushed me away long ago. I am not beholden to be keeping a hand in any longer than I choose and I am becoming disinterested in the constant battle to have the scraps at your dinner table.


I have walked away before to protect you. I will walk away and let you think I'm the fucking villian as usual. My son knows better. I have very much tried to show him that this past year. If I need to protect your, mine and his mental health and be away from the choas of your family I will walk away. I have nothing and in that is the ultimate freedom. I can walk away. Nothing ties me here except you and Him.


But I am not you, the constant battle of your life is not mine. It took me a long time to make peace with the man I and the man I am not. One of us is at peace and one of us is at misery. Amazing how karma changes things. Welcome to my latter half of the past 2 decades.


You still blame me for pulling you down to protect my child. Yet in the same breath you want me to be the protecting avenging sword hand you have always known me to be. Make a choice I can't be the arch angel and the demon. You have to pick one. I may be your devil, but ill embrace hell to protect you both, and you are very aware of that fact. Quit using it as a ploy agianst me.


I can Turn it off. I have before. I will agian. I don't need you to constantly bring me down and tell me what the unreality of your life is. I am fucking fatally aware of all of what you, him and I have been through. My greatest failure is not being therr. You are aware of that. But goddamn it I tried. I have always tried. Maybe I'm tired of trying. 


Maybe the escape plan is the ultimate answer. Walking away always worked before. You never looked back, why in the literal fuck should I look back now. Ive never looked Back save once. And it wasn't for you. It was him.


You discarded me because I wasn't the man you wanted then, what makes me fucking think that anything has changed? A few table scraps before you pull away agian? Maybe someone else would put up with that shit but I am not that man, and you know Goddamn well I am not that man.


I liked that we were being civil, I liked that maybe we were fixing things after so long. But I am also aware that whatever idealistic image of me that you have of me, of us, is just that a fucking idea. The good parts are so much better than you imagine.. and the bad parts? So much worse than you know or understand. You only claim to know me. You know a version of me that died on new years eve 2004. He hasn't been seen since. He was a good man.


I'm Not.

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