Skip to main content

Stalled....

Why with all the positives in my life do i feel like I am just standing still, stalled in the time and place that i am and that its not going to ever get any better, and this is the sum total of what im worth, a wandering soul working a meaningless graveyard job and someone who can no longer see anything positive3 in the way of reward coming tommorow... it does not help that i am once agian left with the uncertainity of what the next step is carreeer wise, mental health wise and emotionally, this job takes a toll even more so when you factor in the mindgames currently eminating from st. catherines.. when staring into this black fucking hole of doubt One is half tempted to return to niagara and learn to flip burgers, i mean whats the fucking point anymore, im not making any more money than i would be being a barista or a bartender, and i have the emotional scars and the fact that I cant trust anyone in this feild, i once thought that this career path was about making change in young people lives and not about the money, but i must have had some bad role models because now despite there influnence i now feel the only thing that this profession is about is the almighty dollar, and when it feels like im selling my soul for a job that i have been overly critical of, and then i go interview for a place that I have called out in my published paper for their tactics and the way they deal with their clients, and i all i want to do at that interview is crawl into a hole even though it was one of my strongest interview performances of late, i am really coming into my own when it comes to self confidence about the feild and my knowledge, i dont hide behind the niavity anymore, but the only goddamn reason i want that job is because it opens the flood gates to toronto and it pays well, didnt someone once say in order for true happiness youd need to completely sell your soul and sacrifice all of your beliefs... he may have been right..

Current Mood: Depressed.
Current Music: Type O Negative, Black No 1
It's okay to sell your soul if you'll be making enough money to buy it back.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more