Skip to main content

Never fade away

Some things don't rest easy, even when they're dead. Their bones cry out from the ground.

Nothing in my life is ever easy. Nor would I want it that way. I'd rather fight out of every foxhole... And never ever fucking back down. There is a certain fucking freedom in nothing... And no attachments... I'm debating the next step in my life and I bought time to do it. But it's real easy to fade away and be forgotten. It's real easy to step into another life and be someone else with no fucking ties to who I am now.. To this place. Somewhere mentally I no longer want to fucking be. I'd rather be elsewhere than alone dwelling on my darkness in this shadowed place.

The fact that there is an option to return to somewhere elsewhere, a place from before all this... The fact that the only roots here are pyshical and will soon come under the wrath of the wrecking ball... Going home would make it full circle... Going home would be a clean fucking break... I left Windsor to be a father... If I return, it will mean I fought as hard as u could as long as I could... But it will be an end.. A signal of surrender...but it's a choice I have to make in the next two years... Do I stay here angry and miserable or do I go somewhere I can be slightly less miserable... And have people that have my back unconditional.

This is the first time in my life that I honestly do want to fade away... And I can't say that is a good thing. I'm always going to be there.. But I have put enough of my life and choices on hold... For far too long.. It's time for me to be me agian... It's time for me to get back to that. Too many chunks of my soul have been torn off... The ones that are left define me... So let's figure out how they do.

Current Mood: Angry.

First comes smiles, then lies. Last is gunfire.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Threat.

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact.  You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family.  Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...
Post a Comment
Read more