Skip to main content

Shattered II

I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again.

You Know what is worse than just Hating the mental health industry and ignoring it for most of my adult life? The fact that when i do reach out and try to get assistance that the entire fucking system is made in a way that actively resists giving people that actually need help and have a history with the Hamilton psychiatric hospital any type of assistance... I cn function. not well but i do fucking function. guess that is good enough, i guess that i'm going to have to have a fucking episode or a breakdown before I'm going to get any real fucking services... that's fine.. i got some serious suicidal ideation and it rhymes with the words Suicide by Cop. there are only a few things that keep me on this earth... one is that little boy in st catherines, two is family.. ( I won't abandon them even if they have me.), three is my friends that have stood by me. but every fucking day is becoming harder and harder to fucking function and when i reach out and all i fucking hit constantly are brick walls.. why in the hell should i try reaching out for help. no ones trying to Help me.. Self destruction and self destructive behaviors have always been my go to behaviors anyways.. not really sure why any of that should fucking change.. I mean it's how I cope. I know I stand apart from society and the only way i'm going to get any services or attention is if something happens that is drastic. Sadly i have this thing called self control that almost lets me function as a human being and i slip thru the fucking cracks.. I've been doing it my entire life.. I'm one of the forgotten ones... Might as well stay fucking forgotten.

Current Mood: Sadness.

Sometimes you hit a point where you either change or self destruct.

One thing's for sure, everyone has something. Not everyone has a giant scar or a missing limb to show for it, but it's there. The indelible mark of that thing. It's that thing that will not just go away quietly. That thing you resent because it can't let one day go by without making you think about it no matter how hard you try, until you end up depressed/angry/drunk/isolated (at best), disassociated (middle) or utterly self-destructive (at worst). It's that thing that went and branded you without your permission.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more