Skip to main content

A Boy Named Sue...


My life has been on standby the last decade... Everything has been taken away and I'm left with fucking nothing. I finally find a little happiness and peace with myself and and those I love and that's being threatened too. I will always be there for my child no matter what, but I'm not ready to fight wars anymore. He only has a few moments left of his childhood. He deserves peace. We all do.

I'm done my war. I'm done fighting. There's nothing left. Only love. If that's not enough, I've made peace with that... I'm not abandoning everything I have right now for the ghost of a chance that something might change... Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me....  You've fooled me a lot more than that. I am nobodies sucker... Not anymore. I love him dearly... And you're offering everything I want... But read the last 15 years of this blog... One moment doesn't erase a lifetime of pain. (And it wasn't my lifetime... It was his.) I'm not ready to stare back into that abyss and say everything is alright. It will never be. This is just another betrayal.

He will know I fought for him... And I will tell him exactly why I didn't want to fight anymore. I've made peace with all of it. She won. All I want now is to be happy and have my little place in life. I have things in my life that are very valuable to me and the price she's asking is too high. Everything I ever wanted came years too fucking late. That carrot doesn't hold the same appeal... And it's a sadistic choice anyways... I won't make it. Ever.

I'll go on being at peace and hopefully at some point you and him can make peace with that... But I'm not abandoning everything I have for a hope of a moment I always should have had returning to me... The time for that moment has passed. I make my own moments now. You're not part of them.

My heart hurts everyday for what I've lost. But that's in the past.. it will always be in the past. I have someone else who is my heart now... I'm not going to lose that.... As much as I wish things were different this is he life we have chosen. I'm not abandoning what I have now to have false hope. What I have us real... We used to have it.. but we don't anymore.

It's why I walked away again... It's what I'm good at. It took all my energy and all of my soul to fight wars and even more to walk away. I'm done. I'm not spending the rest of my life at war. I just want to be happy. I can do that alone.

You should have named him Sue.

Current Mood: Sad, Confused.
Current Music: Metallica, The Unforgiven.

You know, the Lord's been a great comfort to me all these years. Try not to look so surprised. Yeah, I've got a lot to answer for when I meet Him, but I'd like to believe that for all the harm I've caused, I've also done some good. Maybe the angels need a sharp sword too.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more