Skip to main content

Pestilence....

The problem with trying to be the bad guy, there's always someone worse.

I am going insane with all this forced isolation, it's fucking pathetic that I was better suited to prison than I am to self isolating and social distancing in this crap. I do live my life a quarter mile at a time and its fucking frustrating when I have to dial that back to nothing because something's wrong in the world. The  worst part is i do have serious fucking concerns in and out of my life that are in my head almost every  second of my life and I feel powerless to stop them. The world is going to hell sadly I'm actually prepared for it and can handle It.

Isolation ain't a big fucking deal to me I can handle that fucking part. I just expect a lot of my freindships and relationships to be on a different level when this thing is said and done. I'm re-evaluating everything and I'm not sure what the next step is, I was happy, I was peaceful I was at peace with my place in life and now the entire world in chaos, I just want to watch it burn but for the first time in a long time I don't want to burn alongside with it. That both makes me happy inside and frustrates me. I dont like not knowing the next step. I fucking hate and despise the whole idea of nothingness in my life. It really shows how little I have in my life when I'm trying here as hard as I can and all I fucking have to show for it is a lifetime of pain and regret. The sad reality is I am but a moment from being homeless and hungry and it takes nothing, absolutely nothing to revert to that. I'm not afraid of losing the little I have left, that's not the fear .. it's the fact that something external like this goddamn plague will make it impossible to come back from it and I will not be able to dance in the fire and rise from the ashes agian. 

Mentally I think I'm at the worst with the depression than I have ever been and that's not all just in my head. There are fucking external factors. I just want the world to go back to normal. I just want to be normal... It's never going to happen. The reality is when the world comes back from this.... there will be a new normal. Nothing will ever be the same. That terrifies me not for myself, I've had a good life I've lived. The next generation hasn't. They shouldn't have to live in fear. And it fucking sucks that I can't be closer to protect those nearest to me in my heart. I know where I stand. Alone, agianst the world. As usual. Status Quo. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more