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Year Of Hell VI: Road To Nowhere


If I can't be your true love, I want to be your worst nightmare

Different fucking reasons for this year being hell, I have had a hard year and i am just seeing some light at the end of the fucking tunnel.... i know one thing for the new year, that will be a change from the last 2 years. I will no longer let my heart be used as a weapon agianst me in some misguided scheme from twenty years ago. I'm not that person anymore. I fought a battle agianst you that lasted a lifetime and when i came to peace with it, you came back into my life and made it all complicated agian. now another year is ending and we are where we always are at the end of a fucking year. The only diffrence this year is I waited a fucking year to give you your ring and I was patient and I had faith that at the end of the day, despite youre mental health one day you would come back to me... I'm not so sure of that now. it's probaly games and you using my emotions as a weapon against me... but theres a fucking problem with that. 
I didn't end the war because of the fact i was losing, I didnt end the war because I stopped hating you, I ended the war because it was the right thing for all of us... and now he's a man he can make his own judgement on my decisions, but i decided a long time ago that i would never fight you agian, my silence ensures that, as does youre constant betrayal... I'm done trying. youll have to come to me now. the reality is i am now at a place where i could move on, If I so Choose, I stayed even to the cost of my own personal ruin, a lot longer than i should have... the relationships you helped to destroy, the ties that i burnt the ground on that bridge with dynamite and gasoline, i fucking own that. it's always going to be me and you even if it's me Versus you, but theres no need for that anymore. there's no need for us anymore. I need to find my own way, I need to be here right now but that is no longer a guarentee that i will be here Forever. I have options and I have no fucking regrets about the choices i made this year, But I think Next fucking year I'm going to take another path, be another me. you clearly don't want the man I've tried to become. maybe darkness and Angry are better. maybe one day you'll figure out whatever is broken in your head, but im done letting you occupy space in my head constantly. you'll always be there anyways but maybe not at the forefront. I've got other responsibilties, you are certainly not the only one. and if you were ever as important as you pretend to be in my life, you'd have made a effort instead of destroying my life multiple times. i made one last this Christmas, It was important to say to my son that i tried to be there for his 18th Christmas, just like i've fucking been there for every other one, but of course I wasn't allowed. You betrayed me, I never fucking betrayed you. and somehow you've gotten that twisted in youre head that i'm the bad guy. That I Abandoned you when all I did was fight for you both. you just couldnt see it, so you made me the fucking Enemy in youre imagination. That's the fucking problem. I Like playing the fucking Villian, if it means you're at peace with youre decisions and all three of our lives that you destroyed, I'll gladly play the role. it might bring you peace more than me playing the loving husband. It's too bad I'm Fucking Both, and I always will be. But it's time to walk away, and just be Me. I owe you Nothing. Not anymore. You got an Extra year of my soul i wasnt willing to give you. you took it anyways. Current Mood: Empty Current Music: The attack of the dead men,Sabaton The villains were always ugly in books and movies. Necessarily so, it seemed. Because if they were attractive—if their looks matched their charm and their cunning—they wouldn't only be dangerous. They would be irresistible.

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