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My Apocalypse.







The last year I had focus, I tried. It was one last attempt to tell you how much you meant to me... this year I feel empty, all there is anger and the feeling of ancient betrayal and all that you have taken away from me. I sit around and watch the days go by and remember that once upon a time I had a life, an education, a career, I was something, I was someone, and now good or bad all I am is a ghost tied to you for eternity.


With or without you, my life has changed over the last year and I see things differently now. I'm taking a step back because every time I try to hold you close you rejected it, I want that more than anything, but you're not the only important ones in my life. It's sad that you can't accept that. But I can, even if it's a bitter pill to fucking swallow. I've walked away before, I'll walk away agian. This time I won't look back or let you keep me grounded in a place I know is hell. Once and if my responsibilities here are done if I move on it'll be by my own choice. None of you're fucking influence. The time for that is done. You had you're shot and you made it about my past.


It's always been about my past when it should have been about our future. There isn't one now. It took me a long time agian to come to grips with that. But I have.


You gave me hope, but it was always a fucking game. That's the only way I can answer it. You were playing me for a fool. I am No Fool.


The saddest part is that I am coming to grips that simply no longer give a fuck... and I will go back to living my life without you in it and doing my own thing because that seems to be what works best for all three of us... I can't sit and obsess over things that didn't happen.


The what if is on you, you made you're choice multiple times. We've been here every damn day of our lives for the last 17 years. You did this. Not me. I'm just left with the ruins and to pick up the pieces every single fucking time.


No more. This time I'm out. I did my job. I fought. More than most men would. And I still lost. He's 18 now. I admit complete defeat. 


I had hoped things would change but I was wrong. You're actions in November confirmed it. Nothing will ever be good enough for you, especially not fucking me.


I'm done.

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