Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I Am happy and I'm having fun with my life. its gonna take some serious changes to ever change that. i used to think that was what i wanted but I'm not so sure anymore. i think i value my independence more than i value that. I've had to fight to be my entire life, and now I'm just being me. i don't have to hide who i am anymore. the black shadows that orbited my life are dead and gone. there is just me and i'm having fun. thats all thats needed for the moment. This is where I am in my life now. its a good place. i think I'll stay here.

For once i get to win, and For once i get to feel like i have won. i waited a long time for the freedom i now have. i want my life exactly as it is, without the spectre of darkness and hate overwhelming everything, I know I'm not perfect but i also know at my core I'm a good fucking person, i just go off like a bomb every once in a while. but id rather live my life uncompromisingly, and Live my fucking life. than to settle into a life where there's a possibility of being forgotten. you may love me, you may hate me, you will fucking respect me. You will never Forget me. not one person I've interacted with will ever forget me. Even if I'm a negative Memory, I am still a Memory. I won't die alone and forgotten. Ive always expected to die in a blaze of glory and leave a scorched earth in my wake, but for right now, i think the concept of living, and living well and enjoying my life appeals to me more. But like everything else i can control in my world, it'll be

Every thing begins again. the shackles of a past secondhand no longer entangle me. its time to move the fuck on with my life and pretend that the damage has been undone. it never will be but that albatross of birth in my life is long gone. i waited a long time for this day. i will never look back and i feel absolutely fucking nothing. but for once the dark clouds that are my life this morning are a little less dark. the things in my head and my heart are a little less broken.  i wont even regret the last few years trying to fix my little family, even if it leads me nowhere, i've always expected that outcome. but i feel a little bad for being angry at her when there was some legitimacy to whatever the hell that phone call was. the Devils last trick that he had up his sleeve was to cause drama with the two people in this world i love the most, one conditionally. Didn't work. i have mu walls up for a reason. i just feel bad i may have hurt her feelings lashing out.  But this was y

I have lost twenty years of someone else's life because of you, i wasn't even important to be contacted to mourn. i don't feel anything, just the anger that has always been a part of me. But it shows at the End how little i was respected or thought of. Then agian you were excommunicated from my life in my teens, and I simply don't think of you. you are simply just another  person that doesn't exist to me. simply forgotten.  i was busy having fun the day you died. That is a victory of sorts, and No fucks given. Then again I am, and was everything you would never have been. I fought, I did things and I stood on my own two feet. i still do. Its gonna be a lot easier to walk thru my home downtown now. ill still bate it here because of you but i wont be looking over my shoulder anymore. i simply don't care.  i have no regrets only the one that it wasn't my hand at you're throat when it should have been multiple times. I don't want to ever be you. i spent

Hey...It's going to be hard to learn a great many things about me, but one I'll give you for free... I am no one's son. I knew this day would one day come. And i feel nothing. its fitting that the truth is that i only found out on the internet about your passing. i hope you died alone and miserable. all that you deserve. A chapter in our lives has closed. I am all that is left and when i am gone that name dies in the ground. its been beat and bloodied too much anyways. its not my stain that caused that. I was cursed from birth. You destroyed me and my siblings and you destroyed any chance of a normal fucking life, it will always be on you. I'm not sad you are dead, I'm just sad it didn't come sooner, and at my hand. I always figured that it would be my hand at your throat, even if you took me with you.  You died with a whimper not with anyone to truly remember you. that's all that was ever deserved.

I need to make a Decision and choose some actions sooner than later. time is running out. I know that I'm not the only one afraid of it, but some days like today you really have to think of things and put yourself in the others shoes and wonder if we are better as a unit than as a broken, flawed fucked up family that jist has things as status quo. my problem isnt the when, those moments have already been decided. I've just tried to accelerate the process the last few years and you weren't ready.  but the time in the hourglass has ran out. there are two true moment's left and they are a year apart. Its the how. there have been a few perfect moments that were ignored but i did try. i will always try. same as i will always be here. But all of that, is always on my terms. I've earned that.  There is a black hole in our lives and its where you live. i left twice.  i only looked back for you once, and i only came back  for two years because of him. its not my favourite pl

I will burn fucking bridges from beneath me if i feel like I am being used or turned on. trust me on that. i have no patience for pretty words or drama from people who are barely in my fucking orbit. i have forgotten those i actually loved more than once without a second fucking thought. i am under no illusions that i wouldn't walk away from you now. there is nothing keeping me tied to you except our adult child and a trauma bond. why that i think that would have ever been enough is beyond me. it isnt, it wasnt. it will never be. I'm happy, I'm having fucking fun, and I'm not gonna let anyone ruin that for me at this stage of my life. ill just do me, if things change and you come around. I'll let you know if i'm fucking interested. i can do darkness, i am rejecting people around me that are fake and plastic constantly. i don't need that in my life. i only need honesty and clarity. and sometimes if i don't see that i wont care. i'll go down into the r

A lot of people that aren't important are pissing me off, and given that i ghost people i actually love and care about over the years. these new plastic people that think they have anything fucking on me, they can go fuck themselves. you might not have known me back then, but i do have a reputation that precedes me.  I havent changed as much as i would like to in this world, and if you get on my bad side you will know it. not by words, not by actions, just by silence... because anything more than that... you should fucking fear. but i am not that man anymore, at least i'm trying not to be him. but I am still angry, and i am still poor and hungry on the wrong day, and you don't want to cross him on a bad day, because he's still a feral child inside, the lost abandoned person i was raised as,  i just let the worst thing happen to me in this world, i attempted to allow myself to be civilized.  it didn't take, i'm still a threat internally and externally. I'm ju

I have responsibilities. I don't run from any of them, but it was nice to disappear into the man i used to be and just have a fun weekend with my friends all weekend. there were no worries and no drama, and that is how my life is supposed to be.  I don't run from what needs to be done. but i don't need to carry the weight of the world and always carry around all the guilt that i couldn't have done better. because you know what, the same guy at WWE this weekend was the same guy trying hard to be a father and good cyw back in 2009 the last time i did smackdown solo. i haven't changed all that much. The world around me did.  ive adjusted. but I still care and i still enjoy the person i am. period.  

I had a good time last night and this weekend, doing something i wanted to do, with people i actually care about. this is the next step of my life. just to be happy. I don't need drama, I don't need pipe dreams, i just need friend's and family around to do the things that we enjoy and thats fine. ill find the next step eventually. but right now i'm happy with our adventures and just taking a look around.  i have the things in life i need so its just about doing the things i couldn't do before. i don't need much else. I just need to be happy and i don't need anyone else's approval on my choices. 

I Do hate the world, and what it and you have made me. there is no prison i have ever been in, and don't forget i was raised in one... that is worse than the one in my own fuckin head. its so much easier to withdraw and hate everyone than keep trying. even those that you love will eventually fucking betray you. So be it. You want me to be a monster, your demon and devil? fuck it ill embrace it. I've never pretended to be a good person, I have just tried to be one. but there is no ignoring my true nature. i'm one with the darkness, and my own demons no longer scare me the way the should you. I embrace all the bad sides of my nature because i know that there are worst things out there. I am getting real sick of everyone's bullshit. when my life goes to ruin and some people are around to not contribute,I am fine. i'm always fine because i force myself to do it on my own, and i move the heavy chess peices on my own for any fuckin plans i have ever made. but i'm star

Things arent what they once were. not with anyone. nothing is taken on faith or trust anymore. Trust and being trustworthy is an absent concept to too many in my life. so instead of caring i think I'll just withdraw and simply not trust anyone. it worked so much simpler for decades of years. every time i let my guard down people fucking disappoint me. so its time for that to stop. I'm pretty sick of peoples petty jealousy's and drama affecting my life. Ill stand alone its what i have always done. i don't mind doing it agian. everything in my life is an adventure. some are just better than others. I've done alone my entire life, i don't need an ensemble cast to be me. and i don't need hangers on, either be my freind or be cast aside. if you're fucking two faced i will eventually find out. Im not playing politics or stupid little drama games with those i actually care about. mere acquaintance even less. I've got no fucking problem standing alone in a s