What Sober Couldn't Say.

I need to make a Decision and choose some actions sooner than later. time is running out. I know that I'm not the only one afraid of it, but some days like today you really have to think of things and put yourself in the others shoes and wonder if we are better as a unit than as a broken, flawed fucked up family that jist has things as status quo.

my problem isnt the when, those moments have already been decided. I've just tried to accelerate the process the last few years and you weren't ready. but the time in the hourglass has ran out. there are two true moment's left and they are a year apart. Its the how. there have been a few perfect moments that were ignored but i did try. i will always try. same as i will always be here.

But all of that, is always on my terms. I've earned that.

There is a black hole in our lives and its where you live. i left twice. i only looked back for you once, and i only came back for two years because of him. its not my favourite place and i would only go Home if you invited me to. there is nothing for me there. and even less for you. i just wish it hadn't taken this long for you to realize that fact. thats not the world i want our son in either.

start over, with or without me. somewhere new is always in your best interest. i have reasons that i chose to stay here but thats on me and my responsibilities both to you and to others. but i live in a place i hate because other things are more important. but i have options so do you. explore them.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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