Every thing begins again. the shackles of a past secondhand no longer entangle me. its time to move the fuck on with my life and pretend that the damage has been undone. it never will be but that albatross of birth in my life is long gone. i waited a long time for this day. i will never look back and i feel absolutely fucking nothing. but for once the dark clouds that are my life this morning are a little less dark. the things in my head and my heart are a little less broken.
i wont even regret the last few years trying to fix my little family, even if it leads me nowhere, i've always expected that outcome. but i feel a little bad for being angry at her when there was some legitimacy to whatever the hell that phone call was. the Devils last trick that he had up his sleeve was to cause drama with the two people in this world i love the most, one conditionally. Didn't work. i have mu walls up for a reason. i just feel bad i may have hurt her feelings lashing out.
But this was your last trick, you go to your grave with nothing... meanwhile i was busy as you lay there ending surrounded by freinds who love me and treasure me and for the most part have my back. meanwhile you are barely a footnote in anyones life, as you deserve to be. you betrayed your own children.
there is a seventh layer of Dantes Inferno reserved for that. I will join you there soon enough, but not yet. and my sins will never be the damage that yours were. I am trying to learn how to forgive the last of my betrayers, and hope that one day she forgives me....
... and i hope eventually the one that means everything to us both will forgive us both...
But i am a bigger man than you ever were, my life was a battle by choice, but when it was obvious that i would never win the war, i laid my weapons down. i'm better for it. shes in my life. he almost is.
meanwhile all you ever taught me was anger and hate and how broken i always have been. I'm not sad that your gone. I'm just glad its a new day and i can move on.
I will see you once agian when its my turn to face judgement and i will be be judged accordingly for who i am, for my sins on this earth. unlike how i have spent the last 40 years...
for the record, while i was painted with your damn brush my whole life for being your blood. i was never your son. I know who my father is. only one man i call dad.
the only thing i ever called you was demon. and now you go to your southern reward to wait for the day i come to feast on the remains of your soul, if you even ever had one.
i will sleep better tonight and the rest of my life knowing you are in your eternal torment. ill join you soon enough. i have no doubts of that.
But I should have killed you years ago, long before i went to school or became a parent, you took me down anyways. And your influence probably destroyed everything pure in my life. directly or indirectly, your shadow loomed large for such a tiny and pathetic man.
I know one day ill join you in hell. but one of us has a throne waiting and i plan to live the rest of my of life making the best of it. my sins are many, but i know where i stand when the end day comes. death holds no illusion for me. its just an end. ill embrace it like an old friend and not run from it.
what comes next? Who gives a damn. if it means i get to see your torment with my own eyes. it will make going to hell and everything i have lost worth it.
but for now... ill simply Live. I know when its my time to End i wont be forgotten. and i have it my way. i will go out in another grand adventure. I'm glad that your end you have been forgotten. I'll be along soon enough with that bucket of piss.
You were never my father, you were just a genetic sperm donor, and all i got from you was the worst of you. everything that was once good about me, that came from my mother, and from the man that raised me. the man that drove to that catholic hell hole and sat in the car and waited. i need him for one more second of my life than i ever wanted you to remain breathing. Thats the man i call father, That is the man I call my dad. Thats the only man that my son calls grandfather.
we don't call you anything. you didnt exist. you don't exist. enjoy eternity. ill join you soon enough.
As fucking usual things end with you with more questions than fucking answers. which makes no sense at all. and the rabbit hole of hell just widens deeper and deeper and opens its fucking maw.
the darkest places i can imagine for you have nothing to compare to the prisons and hell within my own mind. did i ever tell you why i have insomnia? because when i close my eyes the worst of my world comes out to play and i am afraid to sleep.
but i was never afraid of you, and I will not fear the last moment. i am loved. You were not. I hope you suffered. i hope you felt pain. i know you felt the pain of being alone.
I Won't be.
This will be the last blog that ever mentions you. you are forgotten. the way you should be remembered is not at all.
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