Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am that child. I am the biological son of darkness. I’m not sad he’s dead and gone. But the sons of the father should never have been bestowed on the son and I’ll be dammed if my son is painted with the same brush from a betrayer in his own maternal side of the family.  I don’t mind going down. It’s part of my life. I fall, I rise I rebuild. I’m a fucking Phoenix, just ask my patronus. But he deserved better. He deserves better. I’ll spend the rest of my life playing this game with his mother if I have to do one day he has better.  But I’ll be damned if I let any one esp a family Member demean or destroy him. There are very few things in this world I will fall upon my sword for. Much less multiple times. This is one of them. I don’t mind being destroyed. I always come back better. Harder.  You might have destroyed her. I know all of this played a part in destroying me agian and agian. I will not let my darkness and the darkness in that family tree destroy him. I’ll go o...

Forgiven, it doesn’t mean forgotten. Never will mean that. I’m enjoying the silence right now because it means I can live my life and do epic shit. Without the shadow of you in the background.  I have had a good life and have had adventures, but all of that has been without my son. And all of that will never be forgotten. That was your choice. Always your selfish decision. Once upon a time I may have needed you in my life, that time is far behind. This year is the breaking point. I think I’ve always known  That.  I cannot spend the rest of my life missing you and my son. And most days I only miss him, you and I, it’s only tragic circumstances and a trauma bond that has been around since the beginning and a promise I refuse to break as to why I’m still trying. But if you had asked me that fourteen fucking years ago I wouldn’t have cared. I would have still hated you for what you took away and destroyed.  This year is the final end game. It has to be. Worst case I walk...

I am a soldier without a war. A warrior without something to fight. I am at peace and I’ve laid my weapons down only as long as those I love are not threatened. But, I may be a man of peace now. And I may be at peace now. But this what I wanted for you when I stopped fighting. You’re lives shouldn’t have been full of the strife that mine seems to always have been full of. I pulled away and stopped fighting to give you a chance when i should have stayed more involved.  Welcome to the peace Field. It’s a question. As always of what the fuck happens next. I am a still a weapon, I just need a direction. Point me in the right direction and set Me off. But that not what I want for you and your mother. You deserve the peace I have. So does she. I don’t know if I’m that. But you both deserve better than this.  My dark side lays dormant, it’s not dead. But I don’t want it exposed to those that I love. They have experienced too much of it. But my dark side is better because it’s honest ...

A hero will sacrifice the person they love to save the world, but a villain will sacrifice the world to save the person they love most. Things haven’t changed. I don’t care if your extended family or not. It doesn’t matter where  I stand with her and more importantly him. You attack or cause my family strife, I’m still here in the shadow. And I am still the fucking villain, and I am still the darkness within the fucking shadows. The darkness within me is dormant not dead. And if you hurt one of them, especially my most precious blood, expect me to spill yours. I’ve never faded away permanently, I’ve just tried to be the ghost and the shadow to protect that which I care about most. But if needed the warrior and the demon still lies within. And this demon still has some teeth. Ive been a shadow presence the entire time of my sons life and there are things I need to think about and evaluate very carefully. But if I need to I can be the wrath of god, and I wont come alone.  I will...

I haven’t given up,  but there are days that hit harder than most and remind me of who I am and who I was, and why in moments my life changes over and over again. I know that sometimes those changes are bad and sometimes those changes are good. But the decision is always mine on how a man ends whatever moment in his life I am currently at. I’m choosing the moment I’m in right now as I have for the last four years because sometimes something’s gotta be more important than my needs and wants, a hard lesson I learned the hard way multiple times. But it was learned.  My life is an improvement because I’m not longer chasing vapours pretending to be something I’m not, or someone I once was that was stripped from me completely because of someone’s petty jealousy. Well watch my life now, the jealousy is deserved. I was always a rock star, now I’m just living like one. But the reality is I come home and all that is stripped from me, I know what my probities and responsibilities are and...

I can ruin my life all on my own. I don’t need anyones help. This next while is going to be a period of reflection and insight while I decide the next step of whatever the fuck i am going to do. I am choosing the life I should have had all along and I feel no guilt and give no fucks if I leave anyone hanging in my wake. Maybe if some had respected me more I wouldn’t be willing to steamroll my past lives and be whatever my current life is becoming. The saddest part is some of these people I’ve shared my life with over the years wouldn’t have have such shit lives with me involved in them, but betray me once… you are dead to me. There’s only one person I make an exception for that and I can keep pulling out the knives from my back from her. But people who aren’t good people can’t expect to do bad things and have good lives. I’m used to be broken and a misfit and loner. But I like my own life and my people. I’ll always figure out my own way and do cool things. Either follow beside me or fu...