Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I have spent most of my life alone or confined or constricted by expectations or responsibility or the consequences of my own stupid fuckin actions. Staring into the abyss doesnt fucking bother me. I dont like to feel like I am nothing because my life didn't go the way others want it to. At the end of the day the only person tbat gives a damn about me is my inner circle and that has had some severe damage done to it and some of its members in the last few years...  Someone on the outside looking in without their own house in order shouldn't be throwing fucking stones.. because ho ho ho I have a machine gun. I dont judge where you are in your life, you dont even get to rank in mine when you are barely in my orbit. Take care of your own responsibilities, Ill deal with mine. Cast your fucking judgement somewhere else. Theres a reason I closed that damn door years ago. Theres a reason all doors but one that lead to me are closed. No one else is worthy, and even if they were someone...

Anyone that wants to be an emotional or financial drain on my fucking life can kindly find the fucking door and see your way out if my life. I'm fucking done pretending to give a damn about anyone hut myself and my immediate family and loved ones. Its becoming very clear that I am being manipulated by people who are barely in orbit in my fucking life.   I don't do well with this time of fucking year and I can get violently sad, yet its the same fucking voices in my ear telling me how much worse or better there life is. I don't care. My life just Is. Its all I want it to be but I'm getting real fucking sick if being other's sounding board and emotional support animal. That privilege is reserved for only one woman and to be honest, right now im not speaking to her, and I'm also not angry at her. But she the one person that gets carte blanche to treat me like that. The only person. Feeling like I am a crutch for others to lean on and justify themselves and their ...

It isn't apathy or laziness why I haven't been doing things lately. Its not even anger. Its just a reality that with everyone in my life its the same old bullshit and as long as I am shackled to the apron strings of multiple responsibilities its not going to get any better. Im trying to fix things for me and those around me and it just digs a bigger and bigger empty black hole. I am not sure how much longer I fucking tolerate it before I choose a third option. I'm sick of doing things and being under appreciated and having my efforts fall on fucking deaf ears. I hate struggling when I shouldn't be either. This will be a year of decisions or it will end in a moment that defines me for the next decade. I dont really care. I haven't in a while but im starting to realize status quo is toxic and it needs to change before I do.  I don't do starvation diet for anyone and I hate walking on eggshells around someone i care about because of them being prone to outbursts. I...