I have spent most of my life alone or confined or constricted by expectations or responsibility or the consequences of my own stupid fuckin actions. Staring into the abyss doesnt fucking bother me. I dont like to feel like I am nothing because my life didn't go the way others want it to. At the end of the day the only person tbat gives a damn about me is my inner circle and that has had some severe damage done to it and some of its members in the last few years...
Someone on the outside looking in without their own house in order shouldn't be throwing fucking stones.. because ho ho ho I have a machine gun. I dont judge where you are in your life, you dont even get to rank in mine when you are barely in my orbit. Take care of your own responsibilities, Ill deal with mine. Cast your fucking judgement somewhere else. Theres a reason I closed that damn door years ago. Theres a reason all doors but one that lead to me are closed. No one else is worthy, and even if they were someone else would maliciously destroy it. So I've accepted my fate.
But I dont accept that someone who is a constant emotional drain gets to judge what the fuck i think or play the victim card and then accuse me of not being empathetic enough. I have lived for years with this kind of gaslightling and emotional vampirsm from her. Her good or ficking bad theres history, she is the mother of my child. But there is no one else that is allowed to manipulate me like that.
The fact that someone who has no idea what rattles around in my brain daily and wants to compare the moment I may be struggling to the emotional damage in my head on a daily fucking basis can go fuck off. I dont share everything and the fact you asked for help with one of my worst fucking triggers in this life and the bastards that raised me, yeah, maybe you might want to leave me alone. I've left christmas with my family over that kind of stupidity. A supposed freind asking me for help and then turning it on me because she needs emotional attention and I'm not giving enough of it?
You know what? Fuck off. I am no longer getting involved with anyone who is detrimental to my emotional health and well being. I had enough of that with various hangers on over the last year.
I tried to do for me and mine. And I feel for anyone else who is struggling but to equate what I am feeling and have been for almost 15 years to a current tiny moment of struggle due to your inaqudacies, I'm Dead, I'm Gone.
I walk away from people. I do not look fucking back. I forget. I don't forgive every time either. I just let people fade away.
A lot of people have been fading away recently. I feel like Hamilton in some ways is an albatross and those that are here are the same people and same mentalities I walked away from to be a better person in 1996. All of that lead to a life in ruins but I don't regret distancing myself from the toxic elements then. At the end of the day I'm still the better person. But even those walking failures that I'm just hoping remain breathing or my freinds that have passed on due to their own bad decisions. I don't ever regret trying to improve my life. I can and will walk away. I have before. I will agian.
I am trying to find peace in my life and survive with the little I have and still love a notable and decent life. I dont need anyone disturbing that peace with their personal drama. There is only so long I can be a listening post without judgement when I know that the same respect isn't extended to me and mine. Just because I am patient and quiet about it and I dont broadcast my fucking suffering doesn't mean it isn't there.
And I refuse to get into territorial pissongs about who has it worse or how much things suck. The world sucks right now. This is not the world I promised my child. Or any of the children I have had the privilege to care for over the years. But to have someone constantly have their hand out to take advantage of the little I have and its the same recurring voices, you know what my dead buddies and the ones that I am simply watching slip away now don't do? They dont beg for scraps from an empty table. They never did. And those people more often than not helped me out when they could, when I feel like I'm constantly being taken advantage of. I'm out.
I dont need anyone in this life. I never fucking have. I never fucking will. I was never given anything. Just kicked out of every home i've ever known. Including the one with my wife and child, that may have been forgiven but its not forgot. Its the same fucking sting it was in 1992, five minutes before my sixteen birthday when I was abandoned at Elizabeth Street bus terminal and told to get to Hamilton with all my earthly possessions minus the bike I worked very hard to buy and forget everything I had known in Durham. Theres reasons I dont go back. There are reasons I never wanted to come back here.
I know what the people are like. I know the drain on my fucking soul. Is it any coincidence my inner circle is from Toronto, windsor and Niagara? Anywhere but here. How many people from here do I count on? The one I did betrayed me years ago when I truly needed him and thats the only other freind I tolerate from high school.
So a recent fairweather freind? Yeah about that, im done. I'm Gone. I have bo problem leaving people in the dust. I have had it done to me my entire life. I am an illusion. A transient moment in everyone's life.
Love me or hate me you will remeber me, but for me, it was Tuesday.
But my life has been so transient I couldn't even hold onto the one woman I chose to have a child with. Her choices not mine. But I never looked back either. Always a voice or an influence in my ear somewhat like you saying I could do better I could be better. I was better. Back then I had a future, not I just have a legend, a filthy fucking reminder of who I used to be, moments in time that were fleeting.
I'm pretending that my little resurgence in the scene as an elder compares to anything I did as a kid as a queen street punk or any of my other stories. You know what gets forgotten in those stories? The people in hung out with, who i was with. They are all dead and gone to me. I hardly remeber anyone. Why? Because I'm not of that life. I never was. Any thing I ever was on the streets was surviving. Its not where I want to be at fifty. Infact if I am i intend not to be. Ill just give up and move on.
I'm just angry, and I'm angry at the same type of person I was angry at then. Someone who truly contributes nothing to my life, and is a what have you done for me lately glass half empty type of person.
When im starving or needing some time to be left alone emotionally, the glass isn't half full. Its fucking empty. The same way I am. I shouldn't have to explain trying to get blood from a stone. But its never about our needs, anyone that thinks they can have an advantage takes it in this world. Its getting terrifying blatant how obvious that has become to some people. Cool, moving on. Forgive, Forget, Fuck em.
I reflect who i associate with, not the ideal i want to be. The good people in my life need to be the ones I need to be around and model my behavior on, and not keep chasing dreams. Someone beneath me shouldn't be pulling me down. I've been condemned by those I held in High esteem and still let them slip away without a fight for fucking disrespecting me.
I'm just trying to save myself here and keep treading fucking water to breathe and be alive. No one is going to pull md down into the current or the undertow. No one. Not even my chosen one.
When I step into the abyss and greet it like an old freind it will be on my terms, only on my terms. And while I have plenty to answer for, being a good freind to those with knives in my back because I didnt embrace or succumb to their level will never be one of my sins....
But I see your judgement and raise you my own.
When I go distance or exile myself from someone. Thats it, I'm Done. I'm Gone. Youre barely a memory. And thats only if I truly liked you. Theres plenty of people ive forgotten.
I've excommuncated the woman I love most in this world from my life on more than one occasion and I'm still not on equal footing with her despite the door being open a Crack the last six years. I give no quarter and offer no forgiveness to anyone who thinks there life and there world should affect mine and the things and the responsibilities I shoulder or want to shoulder.
My silence should be taken as a message because if I have to shout I will shatter walls. And create a new wall. One in which whoever is in my head will be on the other side of.
I am angry a lot of the time and I dont trust those I'm even close to so when someone who is in orbit but not really close gives me reason to be mistrustful I will go with my natural instinct despite any other feelings on the matter.
I'm depressed over decisions I made that I never had a choice or alternative to make and I will always make the same decisions now then and forever because regardless of what happens its still going to be in the best interest of everyone involved. This is checkers not chess.. and there is a long game involved.
I am sick of helping others when I am suffering myself. I don't care at the end of the day except for those directly adjacent to me and those I am responsible for in the long game. I dont care how long I have known a person. If I fucking feel like I am being used I will cut ties and never ever look back. It's not enough to be a good person and hope for the best. It's frustrating when I can hardly provide but of course gotta save and rescue others. This is why I used to isolate myself and this is why I will isolate myself agian. I do not need people. Period.
I am sick of taking care of people that dont appreciate me at all. And it will stop. I dont need anyone escape plan or to have a little extra for luxuries if it costs me the little things that I do have. I can just exist. Thats enough for me. Soon it may just have to be.
Im not falling apart physically and mentally for people anymore. I can't. Its hard enough doing so for me and those I claim as my responsibilities. Anyone else is just wheat from the chaff.
Its one thing to be constantly miserable for the people i care about. Its entirely another to be fucking miserable to be constantly miserable for someone who is just fucking adjacent to my life.
Im sick of making myself sick so i can help others in my life that dont accord me the same respect. This is going to be a year that i reevaluate those who remain in my fucking life and who I move on from. Im already doing with one person that I desperately want adjacent to my life but im done trying. You're either in my life or you aren't. And you're fucking decisions will be weighed accordingly. As will mine.
I am done with selfish people in my life. I will square all rhe fucking accounts and move on. I dont care anymore who is in my life. Im not there to be anyone's emotional support person. I won't be. I have enough on my fucking plate when im starving that I can't figure out everyone's fucking drama. I have enough of my own.
When I feel like someone is out there treating me worse than she did i will ghost someone because I don't have time for anyone's bullshit. My lifevis gicking complicated too and I dont think anyone respects that.
This isn't the best time of year for me as I am trapped inside more than I'd like to be with my own thoughts. But of course I need to consider others. No. I'll just go dark and ill just go silent. I am fucking done being a sounding board for anyone when the world sucks. My world sucks too. But I am living it. I am falling apart mentally and physically but I don't complain I just keep moving forward.
For what? To what? The never ending abyss? I have enough anchors dragging me down. Seems like im just adding more the longer things go.
I am in survival mode and feeling trapped because I can't provide for my responsibilities, its frustrating. I lack empathy when I'm barely functional myself. No, let me correct myself. I dont give a fuck when I can barely move. No one gets my attenion when I'm depressed like this. Period.
I will simply stop caring about everyone and anything. Its happened before. It can happen agian. I'm grateful for people in my life but i also know that I can survive alone without anyone, especially when I'm falling apart. Its not ideal but I've been left to the wilderness before and always emerged stronger.
I don't have time or trust for anyone anymore. There's no fucking point. At the end of the day I'm better off alone, at least that way I hold no illusions to where the next moment that brings me fucking down is going to be.
I was always better off alone without so called freinds and family to drag me down. I attend to my responsibilities because thats all I have left but never think that I actually give a damn, because I don't. It could all be gone tommorow.
So could I. I have done it before.
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