It isn't apathy or laziness why I haven't been doing things lately. Its not even anger. Its just a reality that with everyone in my life its the same old bullshit and as long as I am shackled to the apron strings of multiple responsibilities its not going to get any better. Im trying to fix things for me and those around me and it just digs a bigger and bigger empty black hole. I am not sure how much longer I fucking tolerate it before I choose a third option. I'm sick of doing things and being under appreciated and having my efforts fall on fucking deaf ears. I hate struggling when I shouldn't be either. This will be a year of decisions or it will end in a moment that defines me for the next decade. I dont really care. I haven't in a while but im starting to realize status quo is toxic and it needs to change before I do.
I don't do starvation diet for anyone and I hate walking on eggshells around someone i care about because of them being prone to outbursts. I just want peace in my life and less drama. I accept that its difficult but it is very much going to be another year where I will be taking a lot of fucking time for myself. Thats pretty much guaranteed.
I just hope that things change because me getting angry over a situation I have limited control of will simply just lead to bad things and bad me. I can't always be standing still based on someone needs or wants, that includes everyone. Somethings I eventually need to do for me. Who gives a fuck what bridge gets fucking burnt. It would not be the first time. It certainly will not be the last time I poured gasoline on a bridge of an old freind or a loved one. Sometimes moving on always has to be a consideration for ones mental health.
The fact that a third option exists is one of the only reasons im working one fixing some of the issues in my life and ones for the others in my life is care about. I need a future not a place to start over with nothing or a pipe dream. I'm too old for that shit. But all of you have known me long enough, make no mistake and have no illusions I always have options and a back up plan. This is chess not checkers and im never out if options. Just because I have been bound by my word the last 5 plus years means it has to stay that way. I can and will always choose to move on if I need to. I never stayed anywhere to begin with, nothing new there.
I have moved mountains for people in my life that barely give a damn about me and hardly know my name. This year all of that going to change. I'm going to stick to my inner circle and even some of those will be judged accordingly.
There is a lot going on in my head and its going to take a moment to get back to baseline so for a few I'm going to take a step back and decide on my options.
Who gives a damn the fucking consequences, its not like I ever had any choices to begin with. But I've never left myself without options.
I am miserable enough in my own head without someone else in my space yelling and screaming constantly and I will find fucking time to move on. I don't care who you are or what my fucking loyalty is to you. Its a cycle and just because I'm patient and forgiving doesn't i tolerate it from anyone daily. I will move on.
I will simply stop caring.
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