Deadly Reflection.

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away

How does one turn into the very thing he hates? i have become an old schoold child and youth worker and it is what is working for this job but it is not something i wanted to turn into. even when I try and implement new strategies i have to revert to old and useless behaviors of intimidation and pyshical activity to get the point across...there are lines that shouldn't be crossed and i won't do that but i am starting to feel like the scary care bear personailty i try and broadcast only works so well for some children and sometimes i just have to be a two faced ogre when there are issues. this is not what i signed on for. i had much better expectations. i am thinking of going back to school to possibly get some teaching credentials as well seeing how i can see burning out can become a real possibilty real fast, office politics is one thing but when it seems that i am sacrificing ethics, good intentions and my own beliefs in an effort to become more of an aggresive CYW I am slightly disapointed. I have a killer instinct it does rear it's head from time to time but i should not be having to use it on 11 year olds. i'm not that angry and vindictive to turn into a bully like some others i work with have. i still have hope.

Current Mood: Disapointed.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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