The War VIII: War Zone

I should not be sitting here on a fucking battlefield waiting for the next shoe to drop and half expecting to have the chess master sit there and make peace with someone she knows i can use in court, and then have a phone call from out of fucking nowhere stating the obvious, Obviously i hold a fucking grudge and there is no way in hell i was going to use you unless i had to as I still blame you for a lot of the fucking bullshit that has happened in mine and my sons life, telling me to man up and be a man when you obviously don't know the situation and you have only heard the fucking bitches side of the story and then calling me out of the fucking blue... i asked you a question the correct answer would have just to have been to say no, as it is I don't give a damn because i don't need you, but it is interesting to see the levels of psychological war she is attempting to stoop too.. i wonder where you and her made up and got friendly again, was it in a bar? was it over drinks? I only wish she could have ever been that nice to me, but of course as far as she concerned i'm her mortal enemy, can't say the feeling isn't mutual but it is.. i hate her, for a long time i hated you more... but you know what, the true reality is your just a pawn in the game, so keep moving the way you're told, i have what i need I'm done with you.... just don't cross my fucking path and you will be fine.... I have bigger fucking things to attend to... they don't include you.

Current Mood: Angry.
A man who doesn't have anything to lose, can't help but win.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

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