Skip to main content

Hell on Earth

We all have our secrets. We just didn't get to yours yet.

My life hasn't been what you think it has. We all have our struggles.

The last couple weeks have been hell on earth. First I almost lose someone that I care very deeply for that has always been there. Then a door that been slammed shut for decades opens and promises me the fucking world. It's a lot to take in and deal with all at the same fucking time. I don't know where I'm going. I sure as hell know where I've been. I'm bent and broken and all I want to do is run away from it all. I'm having trouble deciding the next step. But I know I'm no longer looking backward for any fucking reason. Least of all you.

It's pain... That's all it is. Too much pain.too much us happening and I can't deal with it all. Old pain and new pain. I know what my future is.. I know who I'm in love with. I know who I want to be with.. all these other emotions are just pain... They will fade.. it's just another old wound  being sliced open again. Manipulation.

My mind goes to dark places and I wonder about the people I care about and love... And sometimes it's hell not knowing. I know all this will pass and it's just a fucking reminder of what I've lost... And just another way to twist the fucking knife... I just wish this manipulation wasn't hurting me so fucking bad.

I thought I was done crying and being upset over all this. I thought my thick skin and quick mind would help me move past it. It's not working. You come back into my life and all this twisted and conflicted emotions bubble up to the forefront. I'm broken. I know that but right when I put myself back together, you bring everything back to the fucking forefront. I'm not having an easy time dealing with it all.

It is making my vision clearer however about who is important in my life who is just a fucking fair weather friend. I don't need people like that in my life anymore, I'm selectively seeing a lot of the fucking poisons in my life and slowly distancing myself from them, I'd rather be alone than not know who to trust when i actually need something.

Current Mood: Pissed Off

Did you ever wonder how much more good we could do if we stopped worrying about who might get hurt in the process?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more