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Hell on Earth

We all have our secrets. We just didn't get to yours yet.

My life hasn't been what you think it has. We all have our struggles.

The last couple weeks have been hell on earth. First I almost lose someone that I care very deeply for that has always been there. Then a door that been slammed shut for decades opens and promises me the fucking world. It's a lot to take in and deal with all at the same fucking time. I don't know where I'm going. I sure as hell know where I've been. I'm bent and broken and all I want to do is run away from it all. I'm having trouble deciding the next step. But I know I'm no longer looking backward for any fucking reason. Least of all you.

It's pain... That's all it is. Too much pain.too much us happening and I can't deal with it all. Old pain and new pain. I know what my future is.. I know who I'm in love with. I know who I want to be with.. all these other emotions are just pain... They will fade.. it's just another old wound  being sliced open again. Manipulation.

My mind goes to dark places and I wonder about the people I care about and love... And sometimes it's hell not knowing. I know all this will pass and it's just a fucking reminder of what I've lost... And just another way to twist the fucking knife... I just wish this manipulation wasn't hurting me so fucking bad.

I thought I was done crying and being upset over all this. I thought my thick skin and quick mind would help me move past it. It's not working. You come back into my life and all this twisted and conflicted emotions bubble up to the forefront. I'm broken. I know that but right when I put myself back together, you bring everything back to the fucking forefront. I'm not having an easy time dealing with it all.

It is making my vision clearer however about who is important in my life who is just a fucking fair weather friend. I don't need people like that in my life anymore, I'm selectively seeing a lot of the fucking poisons in my life and slowly distancing myself from them, I'd rather be alone than not know who to trust when i actually need something.

Current Mood: Pissed Off

Did you ever wonder how much more good we could do if we stopped worrying about who might get hurt in the process?

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