Skip to main content

Holding Pattern.

Evil is just a word. Under the skin, it's simple pain.

Things are too connected to make sense right now. And there are things that don't make sense and are confusing but if you can connect the dots... It leads down the spiral... Everything repeats. I am stuck in the same motion I have always been over the years. I am standing fucking still. Waiting for the next big change or everything to turn back to black. Inevitably I expect the worst. The fact is I don't know the next fucking step. I'm trying to roll with the punches fate has provided. But it gets more and more difficult to take the fucking hits. I just know that what I have and what I want are two entirely different fucking things.

I live by my wits...and I have nothing... But the sad fact is my nothing is always going to be better than you're everything because I am happy and I have enough to survive. You have only one thing in my life I want. Otherwise I have everything I need.

I know at the current fucking moment I am merely waiting for the next phase of my life and my heart and mind are pulling me in so many directions while I'm simply sitting at status quo. I need a change.... I know what I'd like that change to be.. but I also know that it might take some fucking time. I don't fucking know where things are going but I know whatever I fucking do. I do not fucking plan on looking backwards. And I don't plan on going anywhere. I'm sad and angry about how my life has turned out and I'm not sure the next option. But I know that anything is better than staying in my current moment just waiting for something else to happen.

I do know one thing... other than a minor fucking wrinkle that has appeared recently and disappeared just as fast.. I don't give a fuck about this holiday and any false hope is just fucking that. I'm going to go thru with my normal routine and not give a shit about the world and about any changes until one actually happens... I may not be fucking happy, but I'm not completely miserable right now and i have a pretty good fucking go of it right now. there are and always will be gifts here if anything changes.. but I'm not bothering to get my hopes up... not anymore, I'm not gonna live on False Hope when the price is too fucking high.

Current Mood: Sad, Bitter, Cold.

He's the most dangerous man alive. Not so much because he believes in his actions, but because he believes his actions are all which life allows him.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Threat.

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact.  You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family.  Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...
Post a Comment
Read more