Return To Darkness.

There is no beauty in my life right now, there is nothing positive. I am losing everything that was important to me. I should be angry at the world and fate and cards that have been dealt but I'm not, I'm just sad and depressed and hurting. But I am going back to a place I haven't been in a long time. A place where the only thing that matters is survival. I am starting to withdraw from those that I love esp. the ones that don't realize the sacrifices I make for them affect me and my own sense of well-being and mental health. I've spent my entire life walking away, what's one more fallen friend, what's one more time on the lunatic merry go round... I shouldn't feel the way I do right now, I'm sick of the fact that priorities don't seem to be in order. I can forgive and sacrifice for only so long until it has to become about me. I can't do these undying days of not feeling well and stressed out while taking care of someone else. One day I will walk away, one day I will become the darkest heart you have ever known.

I know how to be cold... it's only a matter of time till I go back to that.... for both conferenced parties... I'm not going to keep giving pieces of my soul to be under appreciated and fucking used. I'm long done with that shit.

I don't like being a caged fucking animal, that has to end soon. I have options. But I feel like all I am doing right now is existing. That's not the way my life is supposed to fucking play out.

There is one thing I know for sure, no one else I will ever look back for. There is nothing in my history with any fucking meaning except for you and my son.

But I live in the reality of now, and while I am in a place that I hate, I have a reason to be here and stand with those that stood with me. They need me now. I remember that. They were there when I needed them.

You weren't.

It's time to be someone else and try to be who I need to be instead of pleasing you to an inevitability that will never fucking happen.

Current Mood: Miserable

Current Music: Anthrax/Public Enemy, Bring the Noise

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to. I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone. The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even. I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of. I’m not going to pretend to keep th

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