Skip to main content

The Test.



You erased me from your memories because you thought you were holding me back from having a full and happy life. But you made a mistake. Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life. You're the girl of my dreams... and apparently, I'm the man of yours.


You keep placing challenges in my hands and I keep surpassing you're expectations. I'm good at you're tests. You gotta quit trying to make me fail. I don't know how to do that. I never fucking have. Not since day one. I would never have let us suffer even if it meant I suffered myself... but rose coloured glasses in you're fairytale world view say otherwise.... but the nostalgia filter isn't there for me.... I'm just trying to get back to the heart I once lost... because that's you, you're what I need. I'll attempt every test and every task you request of me until I fall. I haven't fallen yet.


I don't need you in my life. I want you in my life. That is the difference between us, there is coming a day where you do or you will need me in your life, and that's the ultimate test... the one you think I failed back in 04/5, but the reality is you didn't give me the chance you just made the decision for both of us... this time I'm just making myself available and always there for you, there's no hidden motivation or expectations... other than one.


There is only one true test left for me. And that's the test of faith. I may like you an awful lot, some days I may even still love you. But there are always days that I remember you have been forgiven, but forgiveness does not mean forgotten. You earned my trust before and lost it and you have spent a lot of time recently failing spectacularly about earning it back.... 


But that's the final test isn't it... us earning each other's trust.... 


I'm just not sure anymore which one of us that's more important to.


The nightmares are getting worse and I'm not sure if you are deliberately causing them or if it's an element of the chaos and turmoil in our lives.  Either way I'm worried.


I don't know right now If this is another test or if you are just hurting and I'm too close to it for you to want me to be in you're orbit right now but I know that I'm hurting with you hurting... it's affecting me physically and subconsciously.


I can't tell what's the truth or lies with you and what's just simple manipulation, all I know is certain things get asked for I will try to do them for you and him, and that's it. It's always about me trying my best to do what's right by you... I don't always succeed but I'll fail spectacularly trying to do the best thing by you... I wish that was enough for you... it isn't. I don't think it ever will be. I made peace with that fact a long time ago.


Now you're just testing me to see how much patience I have for you...


That's the problem, the war is over, the fighting with you is something long past... when you're in my life you invade my fragile peace of mind... I'm a soldier just trying to find peace, and my natural defender mechanism to defend that peace is to be on the defensive with you, I don't trust you... you've earned it back and destroyed it so many times...


And that's the true test... earning my trust again, maybe one day you'll be up to it.


Till then, I'll take My Peace that I has been won at such high a cost, but that's what I have now. I am at peace, no one, not even my fucking wife can take that away. But please keep trying...


Maybe one day you'll figure it out and you'll be happier... I don't need you in my life... you are only wanted, and some days you create chaos not even that much. I'm sick of being responsible for someone who has never had my back. I would die before I asked you for a damn thing. And I think you know that.


I do think that some of you're behaviours are an exercise in my level of patience and to see how long I will still loyal to you, but that's it as long as it's a test, I'm not going to fail. Whatever this is, it's forever. I am always going to be in love with you and I'm never going to stop

Trying. That's not how I work.  But I need to trust you that's completely

Part of it and you haven't let me know that I can let my guard down around you just yet... you're not the only one afraid of it either.


I just wish my heart didn't miss you as much as it does. There's a lot of wasted time when I didn't fight. I'm fighting now... you have my respect I'll give you that for some of you're actions but you are a very hard person to trust and that's part of it..


There is no love without trust. And that is the ultimate Test.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more