Familiar Taste of Poison

I don’t care. That’s the biggest problem. I will put up a wall to defend myself and never let you in again. It worked years before and I focused on other things. I can do the same now. In fact I choose to. That’s the kind of animal I am.

It means everything to tell you that I am at peace and that I don’t allow fucking drama to enter my life. You chose it, you are still choosing it and when I am the shelter from the storm that should tell you everything you absolutely need to know.

You stay and allow yourself to be hurt and damaged because it’s familiarity. I leave because I get bored in one situation and I need new adventures. I’m never going to live my life sitting still. But I would never stay in a moment that continued to cause me and my loved one pain either. I’m just far enough away from that reminder to be able to deal with it.

I have my own issues and we will both be haunted by the ghost of what could have been and how damaged we are by it. But we’ve lived separate lives and will continue to do so unless you make positive choices. I decided long ago that I no longer wanted to stare into the black hole of the abyss. That I was going to live and enjoy what was left of my life and fulfill the few goals I had a reasonable chance of attaining. That’s where we are now. I’m at peace and you’re at misery.

Status quo for most of our lives actually. It’s why neither of us have ever settled down with anyone else. I am the storm in your life and you and him are the one thing in my life that keeps me fuckin’ grounded. Every other relationship in my life good or bad the last twenty years has been dominated by that fact.

You have drama in your life and I have peace. There are reasons for that. I choose to maintain my peace. There’s nothing else left to destroy except my mental state, and I only let you and no one else affect that.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

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