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I Miss The Misery




Some days I think that I have wasted my life. But then I look upon the things I have done and the memories that I have with my friends and my loved ones, and I know better. At some point I did start living for me instead of the memory of what could have been and my life instead of continually falling apart started to improve. 


Unlike you and you’re moments of standing fucking still. You chose to have the misery that your in. And I do not. I cannot. I will always choose the wrong option if it seems like going down the dark path is simply more fun. I’m not alone and I don’t need or want for anything. But I’m not chasing what if or what could have been anymore. You always wanted better.


Turns out I was better who knew? Oh wait I did. And now you have a life time of regret while I look back and not a single fuck was ever given. I didn’t give up and I did the right thing even when the logical choice would have been to give up. Then agian, I’m too bloody brave to be logical. I’d rather fight and lose, which I have. I make no bones about that. 


But I never lost my pride or my dignity or sink down to your fucking level. Yes we were at war. But I am and always was the honourable one. And this is why I am enjoying my enforced retirement without a care in the world and I can do whatever I want whenever I want, and meanwhile you’re miserable. I wanted better for you and him, but you made you’re own bad choices. The only bad choices I made was distancing myself from you a long time ago.


I have always defined my world and my fate by what I could achieve and once I had hoped that would happen parallel to your life, possibly with me even in it. But as the years march on I realize that my path is my own and your path is your own and the only I need to do anymore is to be prepared to mourn you. 


You chose your situations and I choose mine and somehow I think that I will be the one that lives and dies to an old age I do not want and have never wanted with no regrets. 


I have stopped caring because every time something I try to fix or repair in my life, it just crumbles to shit as usual. I keep surviving that’s my curse.  That’s all I have. Either the walls are coming down or they are crashing down.


That’s my life.

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