Frozen.

Have we finally reached a finality? Is this the moment where I once agian walk away for good. I feel nothing for making an effort anymore and wonder how much of the last few years has been performative or of the thought i had nothing left. Five fucking years ago I bought that ring. It was all I had left then and it was done in anger then, now im not even sure you deserve that energy. Im just done. There is nothing left. 

Nothing owed and Nothing left to give. I have made every attempt. There is no reason any longer to try. So I won't. You win. This is your happy ending. Me as the constant villian for your story to line up as it should. My life is still better for knowing you and aspiring to be a better person but I didn't destroy me, thats on you. That's always been on you. My failure then and now and likely forever is not recognizing it, blinded by my emotions I allowed you to manipulate me into the box I am in. I should have walked away then, I am walking away now. You have never deserved me, and while I have nothing left to give you or anyone else. I still have plenty of myself to survive and find.

 Im going to continue on this grand adventure. One ive tried for years to have you join me in. But i'm perfectly fine doing alone.

This year hits different, Im not even hurting, I am just Numb. Maybe its because of your bullshit promises, maybe because its because there were some moments where we actually got close.. but it doesnt fucking matter because we aren't there now.. its expected, you cant handle our holidays. You never could. I'm fucking used to it.

I am moving on. Not because I want to. Not because you want me to. Because its the best thing for our mental health. I can't be a dark shadow on your and his life forever. I understand your terms. All or nothing. Check. Lets choose nothing. Because you've had this ring here for 5 years and not a fucking damn thing changed. No more lies. No more games. Done.

I will always be here for you both, but I gotta be here for me right now. That means doing the logical thing and walking away. You came back into my life, you will agian. But this moment I think I need it for me.

I'm no longer waiting on false hope. Its the same old song and the same old story. Its been 21 years. There is no point in chasing illusions, you left me on the side of the highway, I never left you. This is just nostalgic fairy tale wishes. Maybe its right that it ends.

I know this, I don't have any fucking time for anyone in my life that thinks they can judge by their standards my attempts to be there beside you or any other of my relationships. Everything I do, I do for the ones I love and when I get a judgement call from someone that doesn't know me well enough to understand it has me wanting running right back into your arms, at least you understand me. Its why we will do this forever. But when I have someone who has an illusion of what I am and decides to act better than me because I've attempted to be the father I am and the husband I should have been for the last five years, they can go away. I've buried another freind this year. Another loved one. One that indirectly helped us both. I've lost a couple.of good friends this year including a man I thought would be my lifetime freind, I do not need anyone questioning my decisions with a heavy helping of guilt and judgement based on beliefs when my own reality isn't completely grasped. There is only so stones I can withstand from someone in a glass house and hohoho I have a machine gun.

At the end of the day, you and my son are the only family I am ever going to have or destined to have, and if someone else doesnt understand the sacrifices I make just to hear your voice and his at christmas they can fuck off.

I plan this trip for months just to be able to give a loved one a good vacation that is just me and him and anyone that wants to judge my other reasons for coming home to Niagara they can fuck off. This is my home, its the first place I really put down roots. Almost 30 years on I walk into places in Niagara and people still know my name... why else would I want to be here. I hate hamilton, I'm not comfortable there. I've spent the last 6 years fighting to just have a chance to come home no matter what the fucking conditions are.

I haven't had a meaningful conversation with my child since he was seven. Fourteen fucking years ago. Yes his mother is partially responsible for that. But fuck your opinion if you ever think im ever going to stop trying to reconcile with my fucking kid full stop period. Done. I dont need anyone in my life that is in orbit and wants to judge me and my decisions.

I will defend her when I can because others haven't had my experiences or hers or understand the fucking trauma bond. But to have a fake fucking freind who doesnt truly understand me pass a judgement call? What did we just learn? Tell me to do something and I will 100% completely do the exact opposite only louder and worse.

As for the only one that matters, I choose to keep trying. I may not be trying as hard anymore. There are mental health reasons for that. Neither of us needs to live in a fairytale and one of doesnt live the real world. Things need to change or we will always be stuck in this moment of nothingness. Thats on her. But I will always be here to make the attempt. No Katherine what anyone says to me.

I'm fine with us being done. Im considering things that may have us cut ties forever. But I know what I did 5 years ago.and I stand by that decision. Its still waiting. 

I have my fucking reasons for always visiting Niagara Falls for this holiday and a lot of them have to do with the fact I want my boy to know I tried and that I was here every christmas day. 

I'm done fighting battles. Both with his mother and with any external factors that want to create drama by judging my decisions and passing a judgement call because they dont agree with what I attempt to do. I'm going to do it anyways.

I am a caregiver 247 and 365 days of the year. If I give myself a couple days of the year to go on a vacation to give myself some kind of faded hope. I'm going to continue to attempt it every fucking year, until one or both of them walks into the room.

I wasn't at table rock with a ring on the 25th and I'm not sure that is a decision I will soon forget, I think that I might regret it because I'm listening to the wrong voices in my head.

I dont have to answer for the damn reasons I try for both of you ever, I dont even to my son's mother when she questions it. No one else is getting an answer either.

I'll just continue to love both my son and his mother unconditionally and ghost anyone that wants to run interference. Plenty of freinds walked away in 25 years, even more this year. Wheat from the chaff.

I dont beg anyone to be in my life. If you want to leave or judge me for my decisions the door is right there. Ill let it slam on family and freindships. I dont care who you are in my orbit.

And yet, I am the constant in other people's lives.

I'm happy and having fun, and i was on vacation. I dont need to answer for that. I am also grasping the fact this might be walk away time, for good. Doesn't mean i won't still try, every damn year. 

And I will never not love you both, unconditionally.  

I'm still here. I'll always be here. I don't say those words lightly.

I have options. I always have options. That I'm ignoring them and trying still shoukd show you who matters most in my life. Come the new year some relationships will definitely be reevaluated. You either respect my attempts or you stay the fuck out of my way. 

I only care about one person's opinion about the effort I make when I come to Niagara Falls. Period.

When it comes to my son's mother there is always endless unconditional endless love without judgement period. That's a hill i will die on. 

For the record I sided with logic this time and didnt follow my heart. I regret it, I wish I had followed my heart. It was the right way to go. Even if nothing happened. The moment would have been there. We need to have that moment. 

This is the first time this year that it physically hurts my heart to have made the wrong decision.  

Its very easy to shut down on anyone and often I do with the people in my life that disappoint me or judge me. I've always tried to do the right thing but sometimes life, bad decisions and bad advice got in the way this time knowing an external factor was part of it, I needed to trust my heart.

I live witb someone who is in a constant miserable state and that is one of my responsibilities in this life. I dont need external factors dragging me down and making me feel depressed and questioning my decisons. This is a trip we both look forward to all hear because its the one moment we can both afford it, despite my other reasons for being there. I will afford no quarter to those that fuck with the little bit of happiness I can afford to give him at christmas. I will just forget you exist and ghost you. This isn't always about her.

I made a mistake not being at Table Rock with the Ring. I'm sorry. I should have brought it tonight even. 

No more distractions. No more unkind words from fairweather freinds. They dont need to know my agenda or why I do the things I do. Next attempt will be completely my decision. No outside voices. 

They dont matter as to what you, I and our child do anyways. Next year I reevaluate a lot.This week had meaning. This week meant something.  

I should have been there with the ring. Regardless of whether or not you showed up.