There's nothing left to fight for. Win or lose we fought the battle till the end. And then it just ended. Whatever we are, whatever we were, its spent five fucking years being a ghost of what it once was.. I stopped fighting long ago when I made peace with you, but every fucking day its still a fucking war In my head. I still question every moment and wonder when the next moment is coming.
Waxing poetically I think it was better when I had something to fight, either for you or agianst you. This nothingness removes you from my life too often and nothing replaces it. Its just easier with every big moment to be become even more numb and continue on. Because thats status quo, I'm not comfortable with that. I'm also not the one to let the walls fall if we made a change, see my life my castles are in ruins. All that crumbles now are your illusions if you ever choose to face the truth. Ill just dance in the rotting bones that remain of both of our lives, with or without you and him I am going to continue on this grand adventure but it would be nice if you joined me instead if being this arms length imaginary snapshot once in a while if what could have been, and what is when I try to move moments always ends up with a tinge of your regret.
I regret nothing. I never have. I just keep on fucking living. Looking for purpose that never comes. Maybe it did once, I was too young, too immature to understand. For all my faults I stood my ground then and faced my responsibilities, I still do now. I tried. If he ever asks I have that control over you, that fucking terrifies you. I tried, while you lied. Period. This ring has been here for five years in my hand. I dont know if it will be here tommorow. Im done fighting, I'm done trying. Its the last albatross around my neck. Maybe if I destroy it you can fully hate me agian and I can move on.
Maybe its better that way. The natural order of things is us at odds. That way when we need to answer for failure, we can say that it just didn't work out and it was better that we didnt try any more. Its a shitty answer but at least it's a honest one. I am not sure i have any fighting left in me. I know that the warrior demon in me will likely never rest, and its barely found peace. But id rather be a warrior without a war than the constant fight with you.
I'd fight for you, maybe, but at this moment that's all you get. And only to fucking protect you. I think the time for all the rest of that is done.
I'm not Angry. Just reflective of our last five years. I didnt blink at the abyss. But I am still of it. Alone and stuck in a moment. Thats the same moment its been for twenty five years. A life time. Maybe moving on is the best course of action. I never have a problem with doing it before, then agian I wasnt given a choice but now it feel the albatross around my neck, that bird of good fortune has turned into an anchor around my neck, dragging me down into the emptiness of absolution but I have always said I'll face Hell on my terms and the time isn't now for that. Not yet. I still have things to fucking do. But I can't live the rest of my life pretending about things that once were. A momentary distraction, thats all I was to you. We just ended up with some permanence.
But the reality is in terms of our lives i was the pebble skipping across the Detriot river for all but a breif moment of the Void that our life has become... we hang on to shattered illusions because without the war I have nothing... and without me, you have No One. No one that will be there at the end. I think we both understood that for far longer than either would want to admit to each other... that would require one of us winning a long forgotten battle. You did win, I stopped fighting. Never stopped being the warrior, I am just without the war.
And now I'm without the will to continue to even fight to attempt to be part of your and his life. I was never the bad guy, I was never the villian. I just lived by the warrior code and morals I found in the darkness long before I ever met you. One if the things that defines me us I'm not the average guy and I will fight till death for the things and people I love, why then, the fuck am I still doing alive? But a warrior poet also knows when to lay his arms down, and when to walk away from yet another slow, silent knife in his back.
There is nothing left. When expectations is gone. I am drained of all but hope. No more reason to fight when ever that hope died on the vine slowly. It took long enough. But it withered.
I like my life. Im having fun and there's no drama. Theres also not battles to fight and I feel empty as a result of that. But thats what my world has always been an upward fight up the hill to exceed expectations. Too bad I got smashed down a few rungs because I didn't play by society's rules and I wanted more. I wanted the girl i wanted the good Job and I wanted the happy family. I was raised to be a criminal. Damaged kids like me dont get the happy ending. They get to have crappy lives and be behind bars. Guess I had to be reminded of that when I was trying to aspire to be better than i was.
That being said the society had help. And while I have forgiven that, somehow. I have and will never forget it. And there will come a reckoning day and there will be answers.
But for now, for my own mental health and for us to both move on there is no more battle. There is no more anything. Maybe its better that way.
I've left it open ended. But a part of me wishes I put a Coda on this, and given it an end at Table Rock on Christmas day. I did listen to the wrong voice in my head. Its not time yet. Maybe it'll never be time, but as long as it exists it gives us hope.
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