Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I have a lot of anger and hate in my life right now and I knwo some of it is due to my own failure but a lot of it is also due to one event horizon in my life, One moment in time, One person's constant selfishness and inability to deal with her own emotions and lashing out at the one person who once upon a time truly loved her, no matter what, Now there is nothing but blackness in my life... Without you I would be happy and in Windsor and without worries, i would still have my career, my Apartment on 368 Partington or on the same street living with my buddy just hanging out and being cool, I would have my career and I would have choices in my life.. Found out today that the battle is just a little bit harder, and I honestly think about stopping fighting and letting you win because you will not be satisfied until you have destroyed me completely... and I won't be satisfied until absolute victory, but we have been playing this fucking game a very long time and I am sick of it......

No sooner do I talk about security in my life than that particular house of cards crumbles... I have had a few angry and sleepless nights and I am not at all fuckin happy...my one rock and my own constant the one thing that i have spent the last year starving myself only allowing myself small excess's like a occasional pack of cigarettes and a coffee, everything I have done to keep my apartment to be a safe and secure place for kid is useless, other people's issues have come into play and I am being shunned aside with little or no notice.. I respect these people but i am very deeply hurt that I am just being broomed aside and kicked out... it's like thank you for the money but get out... I am living on borrowed time and it may make other alternate plans come to fruition but the reality is, once agian I have put roots down and this time i thought they were as solid as concrete and the reality is that they are not. it's so fucking frustrating. Current Mood: Frustrated, ...

Another year closer to the grave, this is one of the worst birthdays i have ever had, of course Most of the damage is self inflicted as i haven't bothering with the world this week, just sitting at home and hardly doing anything, I have basically made the choice to ride the positive buzz from the weekend where i found a moment of peace and solace as long as i can, at least at home in my house, in my apartment i know I have security and Nothing can change that for the moment... I can let the days and nights melt together and I can just be me.. it sucks being surrounded by mementos and trophies of my previous life, but then again it's going to be the last birthday spent like this... I will either be somewhere and someone else this time next year or things will be back to normal by next year... I just can't stand the fucking waiting... 2 years ago.. i was at a tigercats game and wwe with him, and he got presents...and now I am just empty....I am sick of being a hollow shell j...

It's going to be a fun for me tonight as once agian For my birthday WWE rolls into town and I have my sister to thank for getting me tickets.. there is a void however... I have really nice seats and they are front row but i would be just as fucking happy sitting in nosebleeds with my little person watching the show... I have had the opportunity to share the WWE experience with him only once 2 years ago.. this is a Saturday show, there is no reason except selfishness that he is not here this weekend and we are not going to this show. I am happy to be going to the show but deep inside in my heart, it's just not going to be the same without my little person, He should be here... this is another interesting thing, another memory that only i can give him, that has been taken away.. I know that their will be more but the waiting... the waiting is so damn hard... Current Mood: Sad. "Let not your happiness be defined by what is given to you. For all that is given can be taken ...

Another day where there Is nothing going on In my life and I am just fucking waiting, wanting something to fucking change.. and it isn't I am spinning my wheels... I can see light at the end of the tunnel... i can feel that things will one day eventually change but i am trapped... I feel so fucking small.. and it does not fucking help that everything is so complicated that The small things that mean the most are the things that hurt the most... when someone knows exactly how to make you bleed that's how they turn the screw.... Another year of nothingness.. more waiting, less patience.... I am becoming someone else... the best and most bitter parts of my soul are just spinnging their wheels.. there's no point in doing anything except looking down into the void, and making a choice to let it consume me... or wait upon the precipice waiting.... I'm sick of being angry, I'm sick of having nothing to lose... I'm sick of hating everything around me and staring at fou...

I am turning back into someone I used to be... I am angry and I am vengeful and I am really starting not to care.. all this balled up energy needs a focus and it needs to feed but i am sitting around complacent waiting for the next step agian, maybe it's time to be driven and maybe it's time to start making things happen for me.. it would be very easy for me to lose control and accelerate the process by kicking in a door and dealing with things the way i would like to.. but fuck... it would be too fucking easy.. and it would give the villian of the story everything she's ever wanted.. proof that I am a bad man, and I AM NOT. Current Mood: Angry. When our hatred is violent, it sinks us even beneath those we hate.

I don't let the anger and hate consume me.. but it's always there... i can disappear anytime i want into another life but i stay here no matter the cost.. standing tall... because I need to.. not because I have to... there are options, but i can enjoy myself even within all the darkness and just have a fun weekend... going back to the person i was before i met you... the person i was before you decimated my life with your lies...that's truly who i am.. i have not yet lost sight of that... i just forgot about it for a little while... leaving for a month and 2 weeks and coming back with an entirely new game plan and mindset was a good idea... anger and hate can consume you or you can choose to use it as fuel.... wanna guess which one I'm doing? Current Mood: Driven. Current Music: Iron Maiden - The Longest Day Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them; and then you destroy yourself.