Happy Fucking Birthday.... 36....

Another year closer to the grave, this is one of the worst birthdays i have ever had, of course Most of the damage is self inflicted as i haven't bothering with the world this week, just sitting at home and hardly doing anything, I have basically made the choice to ride the positive buzz from the weekend where i found a moment of peace and solace as long as i can, at least at home in my house, in my apartment i know I have security and Nothing can change that for the moment... I can let the days and nights melt together and I can just be me.. it sucks being surrounded by mementos and trophies of my previous life, but then again it's going to be the last birthday spent like this... I will either be somewhere and someone else this time next year or things will be back to normal by next year... I just can't stand the fucking waiting... 2 years ago.. i was at a tigercats game and wwe with him, and he got presents...and now I am just empty....I am sick of being a hollow shell just moving forward every day of my life waiting for absolution.

Current Mood: Sad.
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog