Skip to main content

Unsuccessfully Coping with the Natural Beauty of Infidelity

I have a lot of anger and hate in my life right now and I knwo some of it is due to my own failure but a lot of it is also due to one event horizon in my life, One moment in time, One person's constant selfishness and inability to deal with her own emotions and lashing out at the one person who once upon a time truly loved her, no matter what, Now there is nothing but blackness in my life... Without you I would be happy and in Windsor and without worries, i would still have my career, my Apartment on 368 Partington or on the same street living with my buddy just hanging out and being cool, I would have my career and I would have choices in my life.. Found out today that the battle is just a little bit harder, and I honestly think about stopping fighting and letting you win because you will not be satisfied until you have destroyed me completely... and I won't be satisfied until absolute victory, but we have been playing this fucking game a very long time and I am sick of it... it's all about you, you could keep your fucking legs closed and I am the one that has to suffer for it because a long time ago you made a decision that deeply hurt us both and to fix it you made a decision that hurts all three of us... the truth is the happiest times in my life since 2000 have been the years without you... You were not needed in Welland and why the hell i made the choice to crawl back into your deep dark hole once i had washed my hands of Niagara was idiotic... I had options, I had a place that you were not truly part of, and I went and fucked it all up because I thought something was missing, the only thing that was missing was the fact that I didn't need you.. I wish i had realized that sooner.. now it's a battle for the rest of my life... you can't destroy me but you sure as hell are trying...

Current Mood: Angry.
I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more