Skip to main content

From the Ashes...

I am Used to playing all the angles and reacting with anger when something in my life does not go my way.. this time however I am just planning the future carefully and weighing all the variables... I'm No longer young and I have responsibilities while white hot anger and fury still exists inside of me at this point in my life i have to channel that rage in a positive direction or all my experiences in the last year will turn inward and consume me... I can't let my strength and anger and drive become a poison, Yes i'm angry about leaving the place we have called home for the last three years but in a way it is forcing me to make a decision one i have been happily avoiding since last year... there is always going to be a crossroads in my life and i will always have the fight or flee impulse, but i have chosen to stand my ground this long and fight... it's not likely that impulse will change anytime soon... the things that scares me is being trapped in a place forever that doesn't work for me.. Hamilton has proven it isn't home and my ties to here have slowly eroded into hate over the last few years I came here for a reason that reason does not exist anymore.. I have options and choices it's time to explore them, I would rather be angry and waiting for answers elsewhere than having the dark shroud of my past be part of my every breath.. Hamilton is part of me... But it's a bad part it's something that I could easily cut away from my soul.. I have before.. And i'm a better fuckin person for it.

Current Mood: Driven.
It's best to have failure happen early in life. It wakes up the Phoenix bird in you so you rise from the ashes.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more