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I am Focused and Angry, I know that I should be using the current situation as a focused catylyst for Change, but the reality is I am frustrated and at this point in my life i tought things were secure enough that I didn't need to be looking for yet another place... I always end up feeling Homeless and fearing being Homeless when I am looking for an apartment I have options but some of them aren't nessicarly the best choices for me at the current time.. I am to the point where i am just so goddamned frustrated I don't know what the next step is going to be.. It's just a matter of making a decision and running with it. I can't see the future and I can't feel anything good coming up for me.. all i seem to do is run into brick walls.. I can survive anything but i am getting frustrated with the fact that I constantly have forks in the road and wonder if i ever made the right decision leaving Windsor and being a dad, One of the few things i actually had in Windsor was security...I lived in the same area for 5 years... I have actually thought about that a lot lately.. there are options in thorold, welland, Windsor and brantford but I don't know what the endgame is... I can't see it that clearly... I am just frustrated by the fact that this is not how things should be...I shouldn't be making decisions based on whatever the next step is going to be because i am fucking unclear of exactly what the next step will be.

Current Mood: Frustrated.
To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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