Return to Big Nothing IV

I am Focused and Angry, I know that I should be using the current situation as a focused catylyst for Change, but the reality is I am frustrated and at this point in my life i tought things were secure enough that I didn't need to be looking for yet another place... I always end up feeling Homeless and fearing being Homeless when I am looking for an apartment I have options but some of them aren't nessicarly the best choices for me at the current time.. I am to the point where i am just so goddamned frustrated I don't know what the next step is going to be.. It's just a matter of making a decision and running with it. I can't see the future and I can't feel anything good coming up for me.. all i seem to do is run into brick walls.. I can survive anything but i am getting frustrated with the fact that I constantly have forks in the road and wonder if i ever made the right decision leaving Windsor and being a dad, One of the few things i actually had in Windsor was security...I lived in the same area for 5 years... I have actually thought about that a lot lately.. there are options in thorold, welland, Windsor and brantford but I don't know what the endgame is... I can't see it that clearly... I am just frustrated by the fact that this is not how things should be...I shouldn't be making decisions based on whatever the next step is going to be because i am fucking unclear of exactly what the next step will be.

Current Mood: Frustrated.
To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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