Questioning?

there are times when i have to remind myself that i chose this, this job, this life. I have achived one of my goals in life and as hard as it gets or it becomes i need to see this thruough. as difficult as it is for me, i think it's even worse for them. i have to swallow whatever doubts and reservations and issues i have and do the best job fucking possible. i owe them that, one day they'll understand why and that's all i need... yesterday was still pretty harsh tho.. i had to put aside an oath i had made to myself about something i would never do but it was a situation that called for it, i never understood that part as a child i am now starting to understand it, even if i don't like it still.... still don't plan on making it a part of the regular schedule of behaviors tho... it's too rough on my mental state. there are better ways of dealing with issues and i try to use them.
as we say, it's a last resort.....

Have you ever had one of those days when something just seems to be trying to tell you somebody?

Current Mood: Frazzled

Altered States.

I'm starting to think that some of my behaviors are influncing others in negative ways even when i'm trying to deal with my own personal demons.. maybe it's time to find a new way of dealing with shit as this way doesn't seem to be working now.. too many people and emotions and responsibilties involved to still act the way I did when it was only me and my little closed off world, as soon as start opening up agian i create a path that enusres that i might be alone agian, i think i intenionally scare people off so i can be miserable on purpose. i need to change that.

Current Mood: Guilty.
Have you ever had one of those days when something just seems to be trying to tell you somebody?

Reflections and Constellations..

so yeah, every day currently continues to bouth confuse and amaze me, everything around me is an eyeopener. the awakening of feelings long since dormant is diffrent. the fact that i have left myself closed to a lot of experinces recently is either a result of being to focused on the darkness or too bitter to allow myself to be.. whatever.

Current Mood: tired.

Let it Rain...

I have been a witness to a perfect crime
I wipe the grin off of my face to hide the blame
It isn't worth the tears you cry to have a perfect alibi
Now I'm beaten at the hand of my own game
It isn't easy to be kind,
With all these demons in my mind
I only hope one day I'll come clean
Let it rain


it's raining outside and somehow that makes sense... then i find this song on youtube and it's really starting to make sense... being called into work earlier helps too... when the world is confusing you do your best to change the world and create your dreams, an angel's wings smashing thru the world on strength that she doesn't know that she has.

Current Mood: wet after my smoke.

Something I can never have

Somehow i did find something to write today, a little birdy knocked me on the head and whispered in my ear and made things all make sense. no use reliving past glories. the world is stranger than we knew. it's funny just talking to you makes that little nagging pain go away, it's a weird emotion inside. so much anger bottled up that i have and can't reveal to anyone. i don't want to destroy myself or let anyone in. yet when i speak to you everything just washes away.

Current mood: drained, relived..

Season of Mists.

Realizations don't come easy, a broader world out there than i know. while i may be standing still and effectively desire a static exsistance, this is not true of other's involved on the peripheral of my life, their worlds have changed and i am like ragnorok involving myself into that existance. I have no right. It is often better to do nothing rather that to risk harming another. i will keep on my chosen path until the time that in which i will find light agian, besides i kinda of like my darkness, it's protective and it is the one thing other than my little light that i can say is truly mine and no one can ever take away from me, confusing as it is.as usual i dealt with things in the least positive way, wandering the brow and finishing off screwdrivers.. but at least i am dealing, i'd rather harm oneself than harm anyone else... and besides i have the freedom to do whatever I want as my actions do not affect another becuase sincerly there is no to share it with anymore.. far to much time has past and too much about me, you and the rest of the universe has changed.

It seemed like the night sucked them up, took them into its dark heart. It seemed like the darkness swallowed them... Perhaps it did.

Current Mood: At peace with whatever that Is.
Current Music: Kittie, Look So Pretty.

A Game of You.

You are absolutley correct, Today should not have have happened. Confusion reigns and i not longer know what to think so am i going to be preidctable and obvious and do the usual malignant disruptive behavior so it's doesn't affect me.. being stone cold to the passage of time protects me more than i want sometimes.But i don't wish to create Havoc in anyone else's enviorment, i am crippled by my own emotions and failures more than anyone who has ever tired to understand me will know, and i feel like have spread my poison once agian, i'm not a hard man to love, i'm a deadly man to love. everything dies and everyone goes away, it's better that way. that way i can't hurt anyone that i love or that might love me outside of bloodties which have to put up with my shit long term i have basically given up on trying to find that person, a soulmate or a connection, i have the feeling i might have shattered that today, and i was scared to death to see her in the first place....
"The price of getting what you want, is getting what once you wanted." ~ Dream ("Dream Country").

Back to your regularly scheduled behaviors, Same Bat channel, Same Bat time....


Current Mood:Still sad, misunderstanding.

Until You Suffer Some (Fire & Ice)

Drive Safe.
Never Ever look back.

Current Mood: loved, sad.

Hate.

I am fucking fuming about today's event and can no longer deal with this horseshit. there is no reason a compromise can't be made... and i will no longer be going to work to piss off supposed former infatution. tonight i just wanted to play her game a little and It just frustrated and pissed me off more. but that's par for the course when you deal with a schizopath that likes to play mental, emotional and custody mindgames. that said she's earned every once of the anger and hatred i bite my lip down and bleed instead of unleashing upon her.
You in the jungle baby.
Wake up. TIME TO DIEEEE!

Current Mood: Homicidal.

My Friend Of Misery

Everything is agian becoming very complicated, there are so many weird Xfactors with my carreer, my part time job to supplement my real job, my formerly supposed infatuation is creating havoc with her mental problems agian, Nikk, you picked a real winner there. nothing like someone wanting to sabotage your career directly. t's not like I ever tryed to do the same when i had the power and the vindictiveness to do so.. no i walk away to let her wallow in her own misery. i thought for once that you would be happy, but of course at this point nothing i do can make you anything but shallow,vindictive and angry. you deal with your own issues i have my own and other's to deal with that are unlike anything in your career and your spoiled old money port dalhousie Disney princess life. i can' belive with the population i deal with in my job that you are creating some of the same issues with our only child. of course there is a reason i am starting to seriously start thinking about joint custody and charging you with parental alienation. i am more in his life than a wallet and someone you continue to play mindgames with. there is no more emotional attachment why can't you understand that every time you attempt to draw me into confrontation? then agian your immature.
there is a reason that there was another girl before you that is way more important to me on a physical, spiritual and emotional level at this point. and she's untouchable too... but at least it gives me hope that there is more to life than my past and the unemotional piece of crap that is and always has treated as nothing more than a disposable sperm dollar and an Atm. whatever, that situtation in itself is both very enlightening and confusing... i wonder at this point where the future goes... at least when i'm speaking to her to her the hurt about the supposedly former infatuation goes away and doesn't hurt so much... even if i am apprehaensive about acting upon feelings and emotions with the other girl because it would complicate things for both of us... when the Thorold Experiment ended i said my last goodbyes to the possibilities of residing in Niagara. going back there now for any reason on a permanent basis would be a step backward.. even how much i care about a person or don't.

Misery
You insist that the weight of the world
Should be on your shoulders
Misery
Theres much more to life than what you see
My friend of misery
Current Mood: Miserable.

Like Toy Soilders...

at least i have a day off and then Joshua tommorow... i am so tired... back to grind sunday night. things are awakeneing in me i long thought changed but i am dealing... sometimes everything needs to come around full circle to balance itself out.

Current mood: still tired.

Reflections on Karma.

There are things in this life that can't simply be cosmic coincidence at this point. things happen for a reason and weird little things that are unique happen for a reason too. it's definitly some kind of karmic retrubution at this point. i am still adjusting to the new enviorment and dealing with some issues of my own that surprise me that i still hold preconceptions and lingering resentments of the system but i am not surprised because i am aware of them and always intend to be the advocate i may have needed but did not feel i had. I feel like i'm both in my body and in an out of person experince watching in in these early days of this new envoirment. it's a weird sensation but not altogther unexpected. I am not sure i would want to do another 2 day shift agian but it was great experince and things are exactly where i want them to be even if i am exhausted. time for some time off finally and for me to get centered agian.

Current mood: spent.

Happy St. Patrick's

sometimes you just have to let the big and little things pass you by and focus on the things that are really important for the day, there is no reason to let all your emotional baggage get the best of you.



Current Mood: happy and tired, long shift.
Current Music: Picture, Kid Rock.

If You Seek Amy (F.U.C.K ME)

Love me hate me, say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me hate me, but can't you see what I see?
All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy
Love me hate me, la la la, la la la

We are so not impressed by your current selfish actions, i have to work forty hours over the next two days and i have played fucking games for 2 weeks trying to reschedule days because your whims change on a fucking dime... you should think with your head and do what is right for our your son instead of thinking with my wallet and with your slutty whore open legs that you can't learn to close and you date losers... now your all alone and single and trying to xtert control over and trying to sabotage my career yet agian you fucking cunt? i'll give you a clue.. this time it is not going to fucking happen, i am exactly where i want to be in my life and you are not going to create choas, you are just playing fucking mindshit bullshit games and i have had enough of it... you want me to take a bus and eat my sunday shift thats fine... 120$ a month of my expense is going to come out of your child support.. go fuck yourself. i really thought you would have grown up by now but that would make sense but you are going to continue to be the immature cunt you have always been and always will be.. one day he will get wise to it and you will realize how you have affected his life and i will be the one that he doesn't hate and the one he confides in... till then keep digging the hole because one day he will see every letter and every picture and make his own decisions about everything.. he's 5 and he's already more mature than you.

Current Mood: Hostile

Burn Baby Burn.

Nothing like torching my arm at work making some asshole a sub, i know have a toaster mark just above my wrist that hurts like hell.. at least I found the little bastard that owes me money today just before work... not impressed but we worked something out... i am really happy to have both my jobs but they need to being a little more attention to schedule changes at subway when they call me in on a day that i'm not scheduled... i like the bosses there and they are freindly instead of being yelling assholes but at this point in my life with a permanent job in my feild i do not need to dealing with bullshit at an 8.75$ an hour job... that doesn't even pay child support.

Current Mood: Burnt.

Kill the poor!!!!

what the fuck is 212$ dollars canadian for 3 weeks pay? and people wonder why the goverment is fucked up? welcome to Canada,now go fuck yourself.

Current Mood: Pissed at off at someone other than her.

Working Man.

It seems to me
I could live my life
A lot better than I think I am
I guess that's why they call me
They call me the working man

So anyways other than being overworked and underpaid and having to wait even longer for paycheques it looks like things are improving. i am finally feeling like i am going to have some long term economic secruity on my own for the first time in my life and i no longer have to deal with office political bullshit to do so. i am exactly where i want to be in my life and my career today.
Current Mood: Peaceful.

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Welcome to another day of bullshit from the wonderful goverment. they are making me jump thru hoops agian and full of games, i don' see why they are making me take time off work to do stupid paperwork that could have just been as easily filed in. of course go figure, this is why the city of hamilton has one of the highest poverty rates in the country. they don't want people employed succesfully they want people on the goverments tit and out of the workplace. but thats the way the buecratic elite want things. education and skills and a willingness to fucking work means nothing to them. i'm better off on fucking ODSP dealing with their bullshit, but yeah i'm working and happy with my job so fuck them.... it's just an eye opener as to how much this city wants people dependant on them and not off of the system. welcome to Hamilton.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave!

Current Mood: Fed Up.

Blues Clues 2009.

can you guess what was on my TV all weekend long? so much puppy power it was fun watching tho... his favorite toy is blue and he is so happy when watches it and making the little noises like "bark Bark bark" and talking about his handy dandy notebook. it was a really good weekend dispite the rain... we also watched Chicken Run...Boc boc boc then i had my first overnight shift and it was easy i have a few more and it looks like i will be getting part of march break with him.

Current Mood: Extremely Happy.

Mater and The Ghost Light

nothing like sitting around playing with cars, thomas and wrestling around all morning on a rainy day, he's a very happy little man and so very smart. we are just chilling out this weekend and i am enjoying my time off.. sometimes just being with him makes all the aches and pains and stupid concerns go away.

Current Mood: Happy.

No Rest for the Wicked.

Work, sleep, go to st. catherines, more work, sleep at work etc. etc. welcome to the fun times of my life.

Current Mood: Asleep.

Highway to Hell

Yesterday was the day from Hell, i never thought i could get stressed out at a part time job i took to supplement my other income but customer appreciation day was a bitch... i went home and my whole body just fucking collapsed. i am proud of the fact that i am carrying both of these jobs and attempting to do a good job at both but i am about to fall apart, I need a day off. I cannot wait until the weekend as i will have time off. i haven't had any since Thursday. ah such is life.

And Im going down, all the way down
Im on the highway to hell

Current Mood: Exhausted.
Current Music: Amanda Marshall, Dark Horse.

From The Inside: Child and Youth Worker.

I am currently very happy in the way my life is progressing. two shifts in and i think this is going to be the job i stay long term at. i finally feel that i am making a diffrence in a child's life and i am not just going thru the motions doing the job like i was doing at the salvation army. i am a little unsteady in the fact that i am used to being overloaded with work and issues from clients. in comparison to my last job this job is a cakewalk. It's exactly where i want to be at this point in my life.

I'm stuck here on the inside looking out
I'm just another case
Where's my makeup where's my face on the inside

Current Mood: Happy.