The moment you believe you will fail, you have already lost the battle
In the near future I expect to make some drastic demands and decisions that I expect some people in my fucking orbit not to like, but I don't give a damn, it's time to end this battle that I have no fucking expectations to end in any true form in the family court system, maybe there are alternatives. For 4+ years I have tried doing the right thing, the honourable thing while she's destroyed my relationship with my child and my character, it's too bad that I believe both are stronger than that and at least on the one fucking account I have proven otherwise. It's time to start manipulating the chess pieces towards my ends rather than expecting the hands of fate to do right by me, obviously that's not going to happen. I need to go back to being a much darker man, a much angrier man, if I have to return to earlier darkness to protect my son, it becomes very fucking easy to become that, a lot of people currently in my life and around my life's orbit are not going to like that person but there is a reason. This war has gone on for a decade far too long and has taken far too much from me and when I look back and notice the little I have in terms of solid memories with my boy and the fact that there should have been a lot more save some bitches jealousies and control issues, it only leaves me empty and dark, the person I used to be before u met her 2 decades ago would not have had the patience for the legal systems to have been abused, I think someday soon it's time to stare that man in the mirror agian, it's time to let all the dark, angry and evil sides of me have control. I have fear but that side of me doesn't, that side of has a darkness within to match the bitches own black lack of heart and soul, if that's who I have to become to end this, if that's who I have to become to protect my son, so be it.
In the near future I have to make some decisions both personal and professional that not everyone is going to like, things that have sustained me for the last few years are turning into things I just want to run away from and not all of those personal decisions have been mine. I have to start reevaluating who the fuck I want in my life and who is no longer important, some people are not going to like or enjoy their part in that decision but at the end of the day it's about doing what's right for me and my kid, and not doing what's right for others. For far too long I have allowed outside distractions to allow me to be distracted, I have college, I have have university, I have a lifetime of experience with the family courts and justice systems and I spend my fucking time selling toys? Once upon a time this was a fucking option to pay legal bills and other associated costs, but for the greater part of the last year when I could have attempted to go back to work and made a difference instead I have sat upon my hands and stared at the abyss and pretended to remember a time when I wasn't burned out on both the system, my chosen career and this stupid toy shit. I'm almost forty and all I see us darkness on the road ahead, more struggles, more battles, a never ending story, what's the fucking point?
I have some fucking answers today, some I'm not fucking happy about and the lack of trust has been justified but for the moment the battle stands even if it is a losing game, but i know what my options are now in the game and what i need to do, but it sucks that for four and half years this battle has been fucking fought and that my words have not been heard and that certian peoples machinations have stalled things as long as they possibly could. but now there is no place left to hide, no more games to be played. only an ending... Never a true ending, but enough of one that will give me options for the future despite how little of that is left...... The last few years have been an exercise in futility and I am starting to doubt more than a few people and the convictions that I once had about the world. For evil to triumph all that is needed is for good men to do nothing, as usual this is a Cassandra truth because it has been proven time and time agian in my and his life, all that is left is for me to keep deflecting the bullets, for me to keep fighting a battle I long ago should have walked away from, then agian that would be the easy way, a way that has no benefit to me and my son, I've never once in my life chosen the easy way even when it leads to a stab in the fucking back. I'm a warrior, I'm a leader, if I have the option to fight or flee, I throw punches, there isn't another option. I will stand with my back to the wall even if I am being beaten down, because that's who I am, the warrior, the soldier, and there is no backing down. I know exactly what I am fighting for.
Current Mood: Angry, Determined.
Current Music: Iced Earth, Hold At All Costs
There is nothing in this life that can destroy you but yourself. Bad things happen to everyone, but when they do, you can't just fall apart and die. You have to fight back. If you don't, you're the one who loses in the end. But if you do keep going and fight back, you win.
Rather than the strength it takes to not lose, it's the strength to stand back up after a loss that is sometimes more valuable
It is not a person or situation that affects your life; it is the meaning you give to that person or situation, which influences your emotions and actions. Your choice is to change the meaning you gave it or to change your response, in order to create the outcome you want
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