The man who shouts wins battles; the quiet man wins the war.
You don't go into battle because you're sure of victory. You go into battle because it's the right thing to do.
The man that I was and the man I am now are two completely diffrent people. The only things that haven't changed are my ethics, my ideals and the love I have for my son, not to mention the never ending battle. Hell has no illusions for me when I die because for the last five years I have lived in purgatory. That's what you have truly fucking taken from me, is time, not bring able to watch him grow up is hell, the worst nightmare I have ever had is the one I live and breathe every fucking day, it rots a mans soul. I hope it was worthwhile for you... Yet somehow I am a broken shell of a man that still finds the willpower to stand a fight, even when I have had more than enough reason to abandon hope all ye that enter here. No, that's my style, I might lose the war, I might lose everything, but I'm the better man for standing up and fighting it, one day he will know that, and it will let him know the man I truly am. No retreat, no surrender, no remorse. That's who I am, if that's all that is left of me and I fight this never ending battle alone so be it, that's the fucking choice I made, I stare down into an unholy abyss with no regrets and no remorse, because I know exactly whose face is looking back upon mine, and it's not his.
Five fucking years and the only thing I have feared, the poison you injected into all our lives is still haunting me... That's on you bitch, that's always going to be your first cardinal sin, almost everything I could have forgiven once. But I'm sick of fighting because your selfishness caused all of this... It doesn't matter if I'm tired, it doesn't matter if I'm ready to fall, I find the strength to stand, I find the strength to continue, no matter what I have left, I have nothing left but the war, and let's not kid ourselves, it's not just about you and me and him, you invited a third party in to destroy me, as much as this fight is about them, this war is just as much against them as it you... Never forget that, I know that I won't. I promised you once that I would destroy you, I wasn't fucking kidding. It will be an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, and daddy's not afraid of losing some or shedding some skin. It's time take what you took from me from you, that's where we fucking stand, that's where we are always going to fucking stand. That was your choice, never mine. I'm just the one that has to live with it, I think it's long past time you did the same.
I never wanted this war with you them, it came in thru the back door like a coward uninvited, the difference is I never knew a fight that I would back down from, it doesn't matter how deep that you put the knife in my back using my own worst enemy to do the despicable deed, that's fine, I can take the shards of that knife you left deep inside me, broken, I'll forge them into an Unbreakable sword, I'll use your own words and actions against you and whoever else I have to, this is war, there are going to be fucking casualties. It's time to end this, but it will be on my terms, it will always be on my terms. You were given a white flag to surrender upon, but now, the next time, the only flag you will see is a black flag indicating no quarter, a Jolly Roger with my personal sigil upon it, you know which one....there will not be peace, prepare for war, I know I'm ready... And I stare into the darkness, I know what awaits me at the bottom of that abyss, I know the face I will encounter there will always be yours.... But when you meet me there, remember that I am a monster and a demon of your own creation, but the biggest difference between the two of us, the two of us that were once two broken peices of the same coin, now shattered and broken beyond repair, I was always the stronger one, you were always the weaker party... And now I will prove that to you once agian... I know which bullets that I have holstered in my guns, and bitch, I have plenty of them.... Lots of ammunition too. There is no honour in this battle, no rules of engagement, we are long past that fucking stage, you fought dirty, but you fucked with the dirtiest player in the game, and as long as my cause is just, I'll fight, I might lose a battle, but that's not what I'm fighting, this is. War. Of your own creation, as long as I draw breath it will not end, only one of us has a noble cause... This isn't about me, it never has been, deep inside in the darkest pits of your nonexistent dead soul, that little bit of your black dead heart that once loved me, you know this to be true, but the rest of you is a husk, you're a corpse with out a soul, what you've taken away from him, on more than one occasion, the most precious things, I know, once or twice that you've had regrets, the sad thing is when it comes to the blood on the bone, I won't regret a damn thing.... No quarter, no regrets, it's not about revenge, it never has been but I still won't show any fucking remorse, you have earned that, you have earned everything that you have been fucking given.... It's time for you to answer for it, it's time for me to unleash hell, it's time for you to face all your demons, and guess what, I'm the biggest one, and you created me.... It's time to rot bitch.... Let's rot together, neither one of us is going to come out of this unscarred, but the worst of the scars aren't ones inflicted on either of us, it's the ones you inflicted five years ago... The ones that I have no doubt that will ever be able to be fixed, that blood, the blood of an innocents soul, that's on you... His soul is the only reason for this battle, and as long as I believe it remains pure, it's my biggest and best weapon agianst you, so let's fucking do this, let's end this, one day he will know exactly who and what you are and what you've done... I'll answer for my own sins too, but I will not be the only one he grows up to hate, I can live with that, I wonder can you???? Are you that fucking strong?
I highly doubt that you are. It should never have been guilty until proven innocent, and I'm still standing here fighting this nuclear Armageddon you turned my life into, that's ok, it's getting closer, soon you are going to feel your own fire, you started that fire, and the fire burns.... It will leave nothing but ashes, exactly what you deserve, and it's something I can live with.... I'm reminded of exactly what I gave up a decade ago, and realizing that for the last five years it has been an endless battle, it's a very interesting place for me to be, it's a very primal, very feral place... It's a good thing that you have taught me how to hate you far more than I will ever hate myself or I'd likely turn self destructive... But it's always much more better to be angry at you with a good, goddamn reason. This last half decade, what you've done to our son, that's all on you... That's always going to be on you... You're soul what's left of it, in my estimation not a fuck of a lot, will always have this as your cross to fucking bear... Not mine...
As the sleepless nights continue in intensity as every day draws closer to this, I wonder how cursed my son is with the same insomnia that has cursed me since I was a young boy, I know it's stress related and I know the reason I can't sleep us because when I slow my mind to rest I think, and when I think I merely get angry... But I wonder, that's really the worst of the hell you have given me, not knowing who my sons grow up to be, not knowing which character tics and flaws and strengths that he has inherited from both of us, it haunts my waking hours and it haunts my dreams... And it's why you will forever be just a cunt for doing so, five years you've taken away, more if you count the times before, that's always on you, you have no finger to point the blame at, you're always going to be the responsible party... You'll have to face judgement eventually, at this moment and time I highly doubt I will have any impact on that judgement, I truly feel when the true judgement comes, it will be delivered by a higher power than mine or any other authority on the planet, when you are judged, it will be in the eyes of your son when he is a man, I'm convinced that you will be found wanting.... He may grow up to hate me, but I'm sure I'll be on less than desirable company with you at that time.
I am an asshole both personally and professionally, I don't hide that fact. And when I've been given a reason to be a constant one, beware the asshole at war, and make no mistake bitch, we are at war. The older I get the less respect I have for people, and as far as I am concerned, bitch, you have taken five years of our life away. You get no respect whatsoever. I didn't choose to start this, not then and not before then, those choices have always been on you, but one way or another I will end this, and end you.... Clocks ticking, clocks running out... You're running out of time and I have all the time in the world, one day, soon this will all end. For good.
It's been five years, you don't get to affect and destroy my life forever. At some point there has to be an ending. At some point it doesn't matter anymore what you've done and those using it as an excuse to affect me and those around me need to answer. There are people that are guilty of war crimes here, and I'm the fucking Nuremberg trials.... There will be answers, that day isn't too far fucking off.
Current Mood: Determined.
Always keep your foes confused. If they are never certain who you are or what you want, they cannot know what you are like to do next.
I have to get stronger, harder, and faster. The only way to get hard enough to walk the Apocalypse Road is in the crucible of battle.
A warrior fears the battle he missed. More than any fight he can make his own, he fears the fight that’s gone, that ended without him, that no feat of arms can change.
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