Available Light II

Is that what happens to us? A life of conflict with no time for friends so that when it's done, only our enemies leave roses?

The fact that I’m always going to be there and always going to care enough to be there to be concerned when you crack the door open a little doesn’t mean I’m going to be a doormat or be there just because you need a protector. It’ll happen anyways that’s my nature. But you don’t need me, not the way you think you do... and the fact you are always the one unwilling to make that next step is exactly why I will walk away every time, I have my own life, I have my own things going on... I don’t need to be you’re distraction... esp on a weekend or a week when all I am is depressed about decisions you made for the both of... decisions that fucking broke us. We haven’t been the same since because you didn’t trust me to do the right thing.... because you didn’t know what I was doing that week regardless.

I will always be there and there is no anger and there is no revenge wanted but i do feel taken for granted when you give a little light and I dwell on you’re every word and I hold on to all the things you say good and bad for a very long time... I’m glad it doesn’t turn to anger anymore. But sometimes it still just turns to empty....

...and it still hurts when you shine a little light and give me hope.

One day, that emotion might go away. But not today.

I’ll always be there, whether I like it or not. That’s who I am. That’s who I’m always going to be.

The Constant.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

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