Skip to main content

Disposable.







It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost.


I chose wrong.


You destroyed my last real relationship and I hurt that girl because I was still in love with you, even tho she was there and in love with me when no one even wanted to know my fucking name.  I am terribly sorry I hurt that girl no matter the feelings I have for you. She will never let me apologize and I have no intentions to. I don't look back. I made the decision to persue you to my own doom. That choice has been made. I'm not looking back. And truth be told she isn't even missed.


But neither are you, in my mind anyways. My heart says another story. But I am fucking done waiting, I am done hurting everytime you want to rub it in my face. One day you will see my worth and it will be far too fucking late.  


I'm not disposable and I refuse to let anyone treat me like that. Not a girlfriend. Not the love of my life. No one. I am fucking done with you.


I may take the phone call, every fucking time. The Ring May belong to you. But I don't not at this time. Things may change but for the moment I have one last card to play then you can be the one waiting when you decide to come back.  I have other things I need and want to do in this life. 


You cannot pick and choose dates to fuck with my mind, you do them deliberately and you do them to cause damage. Someone in another life hurt you very badly and for some reason I am the avatar of all that pain and trauma that refuse to completely let go. I need to let you go instead. For both of our mental health.


You and you're obsession with dates, and it's always to twist the fucking knife... every damn time.


You can't just pick and choose when I have fucking value to be in you're life. You have to be there. Just not at the end. That's no longer the promise. The ring may be yours but with every subsequent betrayal I grow farther and farther away from the guy that had hope. The guy that loved you unconditionally. It may always be there and you know the damn reason why.


...but I've buried it deep before. I can and will do it agian.


You're behaviours cause it. And I react accordingly. No, I'm not truly angry.... I'm just starting to remeber why I stopped fighting the first time.... and I would have never stopped fighting for you or against you...


...but I got nothing left. I need my peace. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...