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The War: Coda III

 



I am a warrior trying to find peace, it goes against my nature but I am trying. Never forget that first I am a survivor and a warrior tho. I can do without you. I already have.


I want you in my life. I don’t need you in my life. That’s always going to be the difference between us. You need the comfort that you can always turn to me no matter where either of us are in the world... and I will forgive you and forget. Me on the other hand, I’m fine just living my life alone and being fine on my own two feet. And I do my own thing.


Three years ago you didn’t exist to me, and now we are at a place that I never figured we would be at ever again. So I don’t know what the next step is... I just know I’m not slamming the door on it... once upon a time I thought I knew how this was going to go... now I’m just going to let things be zen and see where things go... it’s better that way. No expectations means you can’t disappoint me, I’m just hoping you won’t this time.


I may love you, some days I even like you.... but for all the things I want in this life... we aren’t there yet... I don’t trust you... you haven’t earned that yet. And we need that, it cuts both ways.


Just because you get a free pass right now and easy access to my emotions because of the time of year doesn’t mean everything is constantly forgiven and it is never forgotten. You are just the least worst option in my life and I think the one that will make me the least miserable long term. We could be happy but that’s on you.


I know that you don’t make me a priority in you’re life unless you need something, and that’s the difference because even at my worst, even when I hated you and we were at war... I still made you a priority at a moments notice... this close to all the hurt too only serves to remind me of that fact.


It’s why I go thick skinned and I won’t chase, I have absolutely no need to be there even though I always will be for someone who doesn’t need me there, or even if she does doesn’t show that she does.


I think what hurts most is you wouldn’t let me there to protect you when you needed me most... and I didn’t come anyways. All I’m trying to do is protect you and I’m never going to give up on trying to do that.


I went to the falls last week and for the first time in a long time I didn’t even consider the spot that I have picked out. In fact I found a better one but... it wasn’t even considered in terms of what usually runs thru my mind... instead I found you a flower. That’s shows how much I’m out life has changed... instead of it reflecting my darkness it reflects something beautiful, even amongst the wild and the weeds.


It being you’re favorite flower helped too.

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