Welcome To The Chaos

I can’t keep listening to you go from crisis to crisis without having an active hand in. These late night calls are just you needing whatever and it needs to change and evolve into something better or it needs to fade back away to nothingness. I can’t give fifty percent, I never could. You never wanted that anyways. But now you are choosing to be the chaotic one, when that was supposed to be my role…

One day I will stop caring. It’s getting to be apathy now. You made you’re bed. Now lie in it. I’m not fucking there. There’s a good chance I will never be there. I’ve made peace with that fact. Why haven’t you?

This is the life you forced upon us. You’re decision not mine. And now you have a lifetime of regret? Guess what? I have none. Not one. Ever. Anything I ever did I did it for the right reasons. No regrets. No remorse.

I don’t need or want you’re validation the same way you seem to crave mine.

There are moments that are cute and have meaning. And that little bit of daylight shines through, but I still can’t trust you… and that’s the whole part of it. It doesn’t matter any other emotion, it’s about trust.

My reality is that I am good with or without in you in my life and I am moving forward and doing things with the assumptions that things will never be the same and we will never fix this so I’m going back to the life and things that used to make me happy. I’m willing to change things on a dime but I don’t expect to. Not anymore.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

The Threat.

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact. You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family. Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...

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