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I Know Your Fuckin Someone Else.



I’m not a complete idiot, just a mostly Idiot. Certain behaviours only present when you have someone in your life and you are trying to keep up appearance’s. I wish you could be honest with me but I know you can’t. And I think all I am to you in this life now is an afterthought.


You don’t care about my feelings. I didn’t know I had any feelings. You don’t care about how your actions and behaviours affect me or him, you just care about the moment and immediate gratification. Meanwhile I’m not the miserable one with drama and rumours in my life. I grew up a long time ago. You forced me to. You have never and will never grow up. 


I may be done fighting but I’m also not a fucking fool. At least this time it wasn’t a fools errand. It’s always worth it to try. But it wasn’t the only reason I went to the tower and it was fun anyways. 


But I wish you would be honest and not lie to me, esp around the holidays. But I think you are so lost inside yourself that you don’t know how to do that anymore because all you are capable of is manipulation. 


I never cared that there was someone else, just that you would be honest with me. And stay the fuck away from me and my relationships so you didn’t destroy them like you did the last major one, it was crumbling all on it’s own. I didn’t need your help with that, you’re involvement in my life was just the tipping point. 


But you say all this pretty shit to me and you never mean a fuckin word of it. It’s all mental mindgames and that’s all it’s been for nigh on twenty years. I mean you have some romantic ideal about New Year’s Eve too.


Do you know what I remeber about New Year’s Eve? Hitchhiking to my parents in a fucking blizzard and having you ask me once there to come back home a hundred miles away. I’m not nostalgic or willing to entertain that idea at all. That is the day my world truly died.


Just because I don’t hate you anymore doesn’t mean I trust you either. I’m just not angry, but one thing I am not and never have been is fucking stupid. I dropped you completely and excommunicated you from my life once and only one thing could have brought you back. Sadly that one thing happened. And then worse we have a trauma bond that means I will always be ancillary to your life now, I’ll always answer the phone. 


But we spent almost 4 years of our life together on and off, don’t think I don’t know when your lying to me or playing fucking games. 


That’s why I give you honesty, because it makes me better than you. I know when you’re lying to me. I am the better person because all I give you is the truth.


The problem was never Me.

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