Red Water (Christmas Mourning) IV

It’s been a long time since you were a person that I merely cared enough about to simply not want you to stop breathing. However with each following disappointment from every damn attempt I ever make. I’m convinced that it is easier for me to fly solo on my path and consider you dead and gone anyways. There are days I think all I am is your albatross. And you’ve placed that around my neck because it’s all that you have left to hold onto. That’s unfair. You had and made your choice. Now I’m the least worse option and you’re keeping me on fucking standby? Homie don’t play dat.

I tried, I tried for you and I tried for my kid. I always answer the phone and I always listen, but I wish you would understand how much of that is based on a promise and why I can’t never not answer. But that would require you to be empathetic and actually care about my fucking feelings. I didn’t know I had any feelings. They usually get so buried within that I don’t reveal any of my playing cards.

I think I may be on my last hand. And it’s aces and eights. The table was set for four.

This isn’t about victory anymore. You already won a long long time ago. This was just about our son and being a family one last time. You’re actions will always speak much much louder than words. I’m a possession, just like him.

The saddest thing this year. I never expected you to show up. But I really really hoped that you would.

But it’s just another move in our life long chess game. You can’t lose, and I won’t let you win. It’s always been about the queens gambit. So we remain stalemated. Forever.

Your actions proved that it’s all talk. Smoke and mirrors. I had fun anyways. You weren’t what was missing at Christmas dinner and you never will be. I may love you, and I have to live with that albatross around my neck for the rest of my life that it’s complicated. But I love him without question, I always will he’s my son. But it’s your choices. Remember that the one morning when I don’t pick up the phone.

There is no magic to my life anymore. I go to Niagara every time trying to recapture some of that and everytime I come home feeling defeated. One day I will quit trying. Soon.

I tried kid. I will always try to do the right thing for you. But it’s not my selfish decisions that take these epic moments away from us.

Merry Christmas. I love you both. Hope you’re having a good holiday.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

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