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Tainted…




I always thought I couldn’t live up to your expectations but the reality is that you cannot and could never live up to mine. You’re life choices not mine created this monster. And while we have moments, we are still exactly where we need to be in this life right now. I may make actions to change that. But, you gotta meet me half way.


I won’t always make the effort. And you wonder why I don’t fight. I fought you enough. I had to take the knife in my back and turn it into a motivational weapon how many times in my life? To finish college? To finish or at least attempt to finish university? To fight you in court? To fight for a minimum wage job where my skills were never appreciated and all I had was my child on the weekend I had off? To fight when I had nothing left and almost killed myself? I chose to stop fighting in 2019.I made peace with the fact neither of you were ever going to be in my life agian.


Yet in 2020 I got angry agian, and because of that you have your ring. But all I have are unanswered questions. I do wonder why you are in my life and what your true motivations are. I guess I’ll just keep moving the Cher’s prices across the board and continue to be unpredictable because that’s who I am. I’ll never settle down into a pattern because there is no need or reason to anymore. I did try to make those choices once. But I’m done.


I won’t make the effort forever. I have a few moments left to try but my motivations are mine and mine alone. I know that we are poison and toxic together, but I also know that it’s better to be tainted with you than to examine any of the other options in my life.


There is and was love once. There is something now. What is missing is trust. That’s what has to return. And I may be a constant in your life but you are a ghost in mine. Soon you’re going to have to make that change. Or I’ll just be a ghost in yours.


I hurt but I keep it silent because you haven’t earned the right to hear about my pain. That comes with trust and respect. Neither of which you have ever remotely returned to at this moment yet.  I’m not sure either of our emotions meet our need for the other. All you are to me some days is simply not dead, and I think the same reflects on your emotions towards me. I’m only needed when you have nothing. And you leave me broken and empty every time. I’m not a living emotional anchor. My feelings are valid and important. But they can be turned off easily. Just Iike a light switch. 


You can always claim you’re taking care of yourself or about him but you respond with cold ass bullshit that I know how to read right fucking thru. I make my effort for my reasons and my reasons alone. But there are times when I feel that they end up on deaf ears. One day I’ll stop caring. That day is coming soon.

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