Skip to main content

Darker Places III

I dont know if its hamilton or a new found sense of complantency that is making me ready to bolt out of the city, but i dont feel like it is home anymore, i just go to work and come home and dont do anything interesting or important in my life, all i do at my job is provide for the warehousing of kids and then i come home and sleep most of the afternoon... is this what the rest of my life is going to be like, not seeing past the door in front of me.. i feel that the longer i stay here in hamilton, at this job the longer my soul slips away, im not the same individual i was in niagara or windsor and the anger and the mood swings seems to come at random now.. maybe i was better off young and angry and self destructive back in the day, it certianly worked wonders for my relationships, at least i found love with that tattered choatic emotoinal being i was back then, there is no fucking point at being zen and at peace with the world, its better to be angry and lashing out and getting fucking shit done, I cant remeber the last time i set a fucking goal much less accomplished one, i need to get my head together and maybe let some of the angry demons come unbottled, start writing agian, start rebelling agian... i cant let my fucking life turn into this, i was made for better things and if all im going to do or be is be a robot clone of the establishment i can do that in other places than here. Im offer a master of my own destiny unemployed and homeless crashing on my freinds couches in windsor, at least up there i can comfortably live in choas, i was always happier there because the one year of freedom i had from responsibilties was there and i made some damn good freinds during those years and i know i can always go home agian instead of dealing with the fucking bullshit here, so much of my life has been chasing a sense of belonging and home, i have that in windsor, i even deluded myself to find that a fragment of my soul was in Niagara, of course that fragment of my soul is still there and has became his own little person, but windsor is my home, i think its the place i ever truly found peace with myself, and i now i find that emotion slipping away.... and i become nothing.

Current Mood: Depressed
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...